A Bad Day

I woke up this morning happy because I’d had a good time last night.  Hannah came to visit for a couple of hours.  She brought some vodka with her and I dipped in to it to taste it.  I drank it a sip at a time.  We laughed and had a really good time.  When she left, I invited Sean over to sit on the porch because I wasn’t ready for bed yet and I wanted company – the house felt rather lonely without the children here.  We stayed up until 1:30 talking in person and texted till nearly 2:30.  I slept naked for the first time in months.  I woke up happy!

I went out to get the mail since I hadn’t gotten it yesterday.  I received a letter from a law firm in my parents’ state.  My first thought was that my parents were trying to get custody or demanding monthly visitation or some such.  I opened the envelope and found that they have disinherited me.

A few years ago, my parents divided their property into chunks.  They retained ownership of a portion and gave me and my siblings a portion each.  This document was taking that back.  My parents and siblings had already signed it.  I didn’t even have to think about it, I simply signed it and stuck it right back in the mail.  I am completely done with them.  This was their final act of showing me that I’m no longer part of the family.  Reconciliation is no longer possible.  I don’t want any part of them.

Well, it finally hit me.  The hurt. The gut-deep pain of having my parents throw me away.  I will never understand it.  Never.  How do parents decide that their child has done something so heinous that they no longer want them?  Especially when that something heinous was getting out of an abusive marriage?  I need someone to explain it to me because I’ll never understand it.

I let go and cried.  And cried.  And cried.  I found out later that Sean’s kids had come over to say good-bye to me before going back to their mom’s house and when they got to the door, they saw me and just went back across the street.  I feel bad that they saw me sobbing.  I feel bad that we didn’t get to say good-bye.

I texted Serenity to find out when her dad was leaving to head back to his place.  This is when she told me that he’d left about 1/2 hour after he dropped them off.  When I mapquested it, I realized that if he drove straight through, he could conceivably be at my house within 1/2 hour.  I texted Sean and told him to rally the troops and told him why.  He came over.  If Bubba got it in his head to pay me back for leaving him, this would be the perfect time.  I was alone in my house and the kids were not with either of us.

Sean walked in the door and told me he wouldn’t take no for an answer and held out his arms.  I walked right into them and cried.  I was so freaked out and scared about Bubba that it didn’t even ping my radar that Sean was holding me.  He even kissed my hair and I didn’t even flinch.  I guess I can only freak out about one thing at a time.  It felt good to be held and feel protected and cared for.  He had to tell me to breathe a few times because I kept forgetting.  I’m sure he could feel me shaking.

As Sean was holding me, he said, “I think I’ll get a blanket and pillow and sleep on the couch tonight.”  I just nodded my head.  All I could think was, “Please don’t leave me.  Please don’t leave me.”  I’ve wanted to be held and feel safe for a long time.  I got a bit of that this morning.

Then I went back to making my guacamole.  He came over and started rubbing my shoulders.  He started rubbing down my arms and I panicked.  I grabbed his hands and said, “No!  Stay on my shoulders.”  I learned that him rubbing my arms is a huge trigger.  I could feel the urge to flee kick in immediately.  I guess my arms are just too close to my breasts.  He stopped rubbing my shoulders really soon after that.

Sean stayed for a bit then had to head back across the street to take care of a few things.  He gave me another hug.  I told him I appreciated all that he was doing.  He said, “Well, if I’m ever going to have a chance with you, I need to keep you alive.”  At least he has a sense of humor!

I’ve calmed down a bit but I’m still jumping at shadows.  I haven’t been this jumpy since right before Bubba left town last summer.  I’ll feel better when I know he’s back in in state.  Then I’ll be like this for about 24 hours before he is supposed to go back for the kids.  Once he has the kids, I’ll feel safe again.  I just want to feel safe.

This was not how I’d pictured spending my first day without the kids.

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2 Comments

  1. Michelle

    This is really sad Hope. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry that your FOO has been so cruel. They disgust me. Hugs♥

    • Thank you. I feel sorry for them. I’m finding out who I really am and I really like me. I’m a strong, capable woman and they are missing out on the woman I’ve become. It really is their loss. I’m fighting hard for health and they are stuck in their dysfunction. I pity them.

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