I’ve been saying for months and months that I wanted to go to the beach. I now understand why that thought was so compelling. God has been calling me. I felt like a piece of my soul was healed today. The kids were playing in the water, all the other adults were up on the grass eating, and I was walking back and forth along the water’s edge. I started singing “How Great Thou Art” in my head. That is the first time I’ve spontaneously sung a hymn out of the blue like that in a very long time. I just stopped, closed my eyes, and lifted my face to bask in the sun. It felt like God was telling me that I was going to be ok. I’m a step closer to being whole again.
Endellion mentioned the other day that maybe God brought Sean into my life so that I wouldn’t have “just sex” with Luke. I had been thinking that too, but stubbornly refusing to acknowledge it. After being out at the lake today, seeing a glimpse of what a normal family could be like and reconnecting with God, I really think Endellion is on to something. I’ve said all along that I want the whole deal – the physical and the emotional. I wouldn’t have the emotional with Luke. Yes, he’s a good friend and I think it would be healing for my body, but I need to heal the whole me. I need to let God heal the whole me.
We were out there for about 3.5 hours. The kids barely stopped to eat. They had a blast. We were walking up to the grass to grab stuff to change into and Shane was already planning our next trip. And yes, he was planning to go with Sean and his kids. They get along so well.
I got a glimpse of what I’ve missed all those years. I didn’t have to be solely responsible for my kids. Sean and I took them down at first. He got hungry so he said since I was there, he was going to head up to get something to eat. When he came back, he told me to take a break and eat something or just sit up in the shade – he’d watch Shane. I spent most of the time at the water thought simply because it is what I am used to. A few times I lost Shane and hollered his name. Each time, Sean said, “Hope, he’s right there. I’ve got him.” I wasn’t solely responsible for Shane today. What a wonderful gift he gave me today. I was able to half-way relax and just be.
We just got home and I hopped in the shower to have a small cry. Having that glimpse today makes it hurt so much more that the kids and I never had this. I never realized how on edge I was all the time because I knew Bubba wasn’t watching the kids – but when something happened to one of them, I was solely to blame. It isn’t fair. We were so ripped off.
I might just spend the entire day on Tuesday crying. There are so many tears bottled up. I let a few out in the shower and they are threatening now, but I don’t want the kids to see. I had a good cry with Endellion yesterday but I think I need a great weeping and gnashing of teeth kind of cry. KWIM?
As I was falling asleep, Serenity came in and asked if she could go to church with Andy this morning. As I don’t know anything about their church and I have no desire to learn about it now, I told her no. I don’t want her going someplace that she may be hurt by graceless, bigoted preaching.
A few minutes later I get a text from Sean.
Sean: So you wouldn’t be interested in going to church with us tomorrow?
Me: No thank you. Will explain tomorrow. Too tired now.
Sean: Ok, I’m sorry about touching you earlier. I hope you get a good nights rest. Talk to you later..
Me: I’ll explain that tomorrow too. Sweet dreams. & there is nothing to apologize for. You didn’t know.
Today, when I see him, I’m going to explain a little. Basically, after living on Main Street of Fundy Land, I’m very leery of going to church again. Also, I looked over the website for his church and am unimpressed with their use of Scripture. Mainly that musical instruments are banned from worship and women can’t be preachers. Then again, maybe I shouldn’t get started on some religious leaders’ POVs about my inability to do anything simply because I don’t own a fucking penis.
I also want to explain that consent is big with me. I need to be able to consent or decline touching in order to feel safe. Sara came flying into the living room last night to give me a hug since I didn’t burn the pizza. He said, “That’s my daughter.” I said, “She’s a huggy kinda kid, isn’t she?” He just nodded his head. I said, “That’s perfectly fine by me.” I realized that I’ve been subconsciously dropping hints about what happened to me. In a way, I guess I’m hoping he connects the dots so that someday, when I feel safe enough to tell him, he won’t be completely blown over by the fact that I spent 15 years being raped by my husband and that is why I’m so exceptionally jumpy around him.
I just hope I can work through this visceral reaction to him touching me. On one hand, it feels so good since I’ve been so affection and touch starved for so long. On the other hand, it is terrifying. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to grab me or touch me in a sexual way. I really don’t think he would but the fear is there. As trust comes, it should get better. It will help to have him ask first though.
As far as it feeling good when he touches me…. It almost feels like electricity is shooting up my skin. It feels so amazing. I don’t know whether it is because it is Sean touching me or because it is just touch in general. I simply don’t know. I want to find out though. Just very slowly.
I was thinking about Sean killing that mosquito the other day and I figured it out. The way he touched me in the process of killing that mosquito was lingering. It hit me yesterday. It seems that he was savoring the contact. I’ve never been savored before. While we were on the beach, we were talking about sunblock and getting burned. I told him that I don’t really burn and have only tanned once (after being outside for 8 hours a day every weekday for 2 weeks). I told him my freckles get darker but the rest of my skin stays glow-in-the-dark and I like it like that so I usually stay in the shade. He told me not to take it the wrong way but keep doing whatever I do to my skin because it feels so soft. The way he said it, he really conveyed that he likes it.
I’m as fascinated as I am terrified.