A Huge Step
Sean’s son, Andy, and his daughter, Sara, came over yesterday while Sean went to the doctor. They were here playing with the Serenity and Liam most of the day. I made frozen pizza for dinner. After they ate, the kids all headed outside. I called Endellion on Skype and we were in the middle of Sob Fest 2012 when Sean walked back in. He handed me a gardenia, which made me cry harder. He tried to beat a hasty retreat, but Endellion and I told him he didn’t have to go. He stayed for a minute and reached out and gave my back a little scratch and left.
That little scratch had me sobbing again. He seems to be a touchy/feely type of person. Exactly what I don’t need. Exactly what I do need.
After Endellion and I were done talking, I looked out the window to notice that no children were around. Sean was sitting on his porch and he waved. I asked where the kids were and he pointed down the street. Like a good dad, he was sitting on his porch, keeping an eye out for the kids (Sara has a decided lack of fear about everything and tends to hurt herself because she is not afraid of getting hurt). I asked if we were going to continue screaming across the street and he said he’d come over.
We sat on the porch and talked for hours. Shane was asleep and the the other children had gone in to play video games. And we talked on and on. Well, he talked on and on because I kept asking him questions. I’m not really ready to talk yet and I was enjoying hearing him talk. He told me about his ex and his kids. We talked about my sense of humor (he thinks I’m hilarious!!). We talked about so many things!
Sean stood up and I knew he was getting ready to go. Strangely, I wasn’t ready for that yet. We’d been sitting in close proximity. Earlier in the evening (while Shane was still awake and outside playing), he’d seen a mosquito on my leg. Instead of swatting it, he gently cupped my leg, caught the mosquito in his hand, pulled it away, and squished it. It was the most gentle mosquito killing I’d ever experienced. And his touch felt so good. It sent shivers up my spine. After that, all I could think about was him touching me again. The thought scared me. Then I knew this is something that I had to work through right then and there.
I asked Sean if I could ask him a favor and he could feel free to say no if he felt uncomfortable with it. He said that I could ask him. Only I couldn’t. I opened my mouth and nothing came out. I tried and tried to say the words, “Would you just put your hand on my shoulder?” I couldn’t make the words come out. I’ve never encountered something I couldn’t force myself to power through once I’d set my mind to it. It was like my voice was paralyzed. He told me to close my eyes and ask. I closed my eyes and yet I couldn’t form the words.
He walked over to me and started massaging my neck. I closed my eyes as the tears streamed down my face. He asked if I could ask now. I finally croaked out that I was simply going to ask him to put his hand on my shoulder. He said that he somehow knew it was something like that. He realized that I was fighting hard with myself and quickly asked how my car was running. I could only nod my head. He asked if I was having any problems with it. I shook my head.
As he rubbed my neck, he moved down toward my shoulders. When he started rubbing my shoulders, I became very afraid – of what, I don’t know. I asked him to stay up at my neck and he immediately moved his hands and just rubbed my neck. While he massaged, a litany was going through my head, “You are ok. You are safe. He will not hurt you. You are ok. You are safe. He will not hurt you.” I’d finally had enough and asked him to stop. He did immediately.
Sean said he had to get the kids home and showered and to bed. It was a bit after 10:00 pm. We came in the house and managed to pry the kids away from each other and the game system. I walked Sean out and said something about him rubbing my neck. He said, “Maybe we can work up to a hug.” I must’ve gotten a deer-in-the-headlight look because he backed off and said, “Or maybe not.”
Tonight was a huge step for me. I let Sean rub my neck – touch me – because I knew that I had to fight that demon right then and there. I don’t know if it will get any easier but I feel like I took a huge step.
A few minutes later, I got a text from him saying that the kids were begging him to take them to the lake today. I knew an invitation was going to be forthcoming and I was right. We’ve made plans to go to the lake today. The kids want to spend as much time together as possible before mine have to go with Bubba on Monday. And if I’m truthful, I really enjoy spending time with Sean.
And that just pisses me off. I want to remain manless. I want to learn to get by on my own. Sean continues to break apart my safe, little world without having the slightest clue of what he’s doing.
So, yeah, it pisses me off.