12-12-12 Guest Post by Endellion
So Hope and I joke a lot, that we need wives. (This is Endellion btw) We see the advantage- someone does all the things you’d rather not do. Right? Don’t feel like calling for a dentist appointment? The wife will do it. Don’t feel like rinsing your plates, or stain sticking your clothes? The wife knows how to fix that, no worries. The Wife. <excusemewhileIpuke>
For a while we figured we’d just combine households and then we’d have each other’s backs. We’d have pool boys. You know, for the important stuff.
I put the storm window in my screen door this morning. Took me an hour. Couldn’t find the screwdriver, couldn’t figure out why the holes weren’t lining up. What is terribly funny about that is- I’ve done that job every year since we (stbxH and I) bought this house. Every. Single. Year. I know how to do it. Blah. I need to study for my math final today, too. No one convenient to hand off little Moe to. So I’ll do what wives have been doing since the beginning of time, and I’ll make the impossible work. Because there is no other option. Somehow, even though Asshat has been gone for almost a year, I’m still the wife. Women get the short end of the stick.
Case in point is my friend Simeon. He’s in a similar situation to me except for one thing. He’s a man. No one falls all over themselves to help, or pities single moms. We’re expected to be strong, tough, we’re expected to fill all of the shoes and wear all the hats, and look good doing it. Not so for my friend. His family gathered around him and made sure he was not overburdened with wifely responsibilities, now that he didn’t have one. What’s the difference? He’s one person. I’m one person. He’s got to earn money; I’ve got to earn money. This is the difference, He deserves a wife. I already AM one.
He found himself a pseudo-wife. Everyone is happy for him. (ok, except me. But that’s another post.) He posts photos of her with him and the kids, everyone applauds. Now imagine if Hope did that. Or if I did? Royal freakin’ horror show. I’d be a mantrap. ‘She doesn’t love him, she just wants him to take care of her’. Well, DUH. Who doesn’t want someone to help take care of them? Men aren’t dumb. In fact sometimes I think women are dumb. Or we are at least willing to give up far, far more than what we receive in return. Now you could call that tenderness, or maternal instinct or whatever you like. The truth is harder to face than that.
Still, we are worth less. We are expected to DO more, but our value is lower. No one blames Simeon for not being able to bear a 2 parent load. I am expected to. Hardly anyone asks, anymore, if I need help. If I didn’t have my online community of extraordinary women who pray for me, provide for me, and care about me; I’d be horribly alone. Sometimes I feel alone anyway.
I don’t know what a real marriage is supposed to be like. It’s very difficult for me to ever want to be a wife again. I want to be me. I want to do what I want to do. The freedom to decide for myself and have someone else pick up the slack. To have someone else come in behind me and do all the cleanup, do all of the making-life-work, like men do. I don’t get to do that. I’m a wife.
- Posted in: Guest Posts