A Good Conversation

I got in the mood to watch “The Three Musketeers” tonight.  Well, I don’t own it and it isn’t on Netflix streaming.  I texted Sean to ask if he had it on DVD.  He said he had it, but on VHS.  I told him I didn’t know how to hook my VCR up to the t.v.  He said he’d be over in a minute.  I told him he didn’t have to come right over but he was welcome to if he wanted.

He came over and got it hooked up.  Serenity and I asked him to stay and watch it but he declined and headed home.  After, I texted to thank him and tell him I was falling asleep watching it because Serenity abandoned me as soon as he left.  He said he was starting to feel bad for leaving.  I asked if it was because she left me and told him the door was still open.

Sean: Well, I’m still trying not to cross any lines and make either one of us uncomfortable.

Me: You are a good guy, aren’t you?  I could sit in the recliner if it would make you feel better. 😉

Sean:  LOL, I do try to be, but I am still a man by nature and I’m real comfy being around you so I have to look out for me as well as you

Me: I can look out for myself.  I’m a big girl. So it’s not ok to watch a movie together at night or just cause the kids are in bed or what?  help me, cause I don’t know the rule here.  I’m new to this.

He called me.  A lot was said.  Honestly, I don’t remember the order of the points in this conversation so I’m just going to bullet-point them.

*He left because when we were sitting on the floor beside each other while he was hooking up the VCR, he knew he was at his boundary and needed to leave.  He said he could just imagine us sitting on the couch together and maybe he’d rub my shoulders and he didn’t want it to go there since I said we’re friends only.  He knew he was at his limit and he left.

*I asked him my question…”What if this can never involve sex.  Ever.”  I forget exactly what he said, but the gist of it is that sex isn’t everything.  He said sure he’s a man but he doesn’t really believe in sex.  He wants to make love and that is something that you can’t do until you have a firm foundation, not just a couple weeks of laughs.    I started crying.  This is exactly what I have been saying for months.   To hear almost my exact same thoughts about making love vs. having sex come out of a man’s mouth?????  Yeah, I cried.  Then he apologized for making me cry.  I told him it wasn’t a bad thing and maybe I’d be able to explain it someday.  He told me I didn’t have to explain anything to him if I chose not to. He then said it was probably too much information but he hasn’t been with a woman in over a year by choice.  Not that there hasn’t been opportunity, but that he has purposely chosen to not go there with anyone because it wasn’t right for him.

*I told him the divorce had only been final for two months.  He said from the way I talk about it, he thought it had been more like a year.  He actually sounded shocked that it has only been two months.

*I asked if he really wanted to be the rebound guy.  He admitted that he absolutely does not.  He said he actually hopes that in twenty years, we’ll still be talking on the phone.  Then he kind of chuckled and said, “Well, talking on the phone but with you in the back yard and me in the front yard.”  He is looking for a wife, I think.

*I told him that he fascinates me almost as much as he terrifies me.  I don’t remember what his response was to that.

*He really enjoys spending time with me.  He has fun when we’re together.  He said I’m very unique.  He’s never met anyone else like me.  He hopes that someday I’ll be a little less reserved with him.

*He understands boundaries!  He has his own set of them even.  He respects them – his and mine!  My mind is officially blown.

*I told him he is being kind and I have no frame of reference for that.  I told him I don’t know how to process this and he said I don’t have to process it right now, I just have to accept it.  He plans to continue being kind to me because that is who he is.

*He said that so many times he’s just wanted to give me a great, big hug so that I’ll accept a little compassion but he’s holding back because he knows it would be too much for me now.  When he was hooking up the VCR yesterday, I was holding it for him and he put his hand over mine to steady it a bit more.  That small contact made my skin tingle.  It has been so long since I’ve touched a man.  I think my primary love language is physical touch.  I’m starved for touch.  He’s given me a foot rub.  He started to rub my shoulder the other day in his garage when we were talking about the car.  I pulled away and said, “Please, don’t.”  He immediately stopped and walked away.  I had to fight everything in me to pull away and tell him to stop.  I wanted to lean into that touch and moan with pleasure.  It felt so good.  It felt like water to a person who has been in the desert for days.

*He said he’s about 90% sure Andy will be able to go with us on Monday to take the kids’ to meet up with their dad.  Again, I’m torn.  I’m so glad we’ll have a buffer there but I’d like to be alone with him to be able to talk about stuff on the ride home.

When we first met, there was no attraction there at all.  I am starting to find myself attracted to him because he is just so nice.  But I wonder when the “nice” will end and the “you owe me” will come out.  Rationally, I know he isn’t Bubba.  I know this.  But the fear is there because he is a man.  My only experience with men is that they are out for themselves and their penises and the woman should just fall in line and do what she’s told.

This has taken me a ton of time to write.  I have to stop every couple of sentences to go do something else.  It is too much to process.  I have no idea how to even begin to feel about this.  I’m pretty sure that utter confusion is the biggest feeling I have about all of this.  I’m mad too.  Why is this happening now?  I just moved in.  I wanted a safe, little, manless world where I could take care of me and my kids and continue to heal from this.  I’m nowhere near ready for anything beyond a friendship.

I’m probably over-thinking this.  He said he is good with just being friends.  He hopes it develops into more later, but he understands my position.  He’s being respectful.  He’s being helpful.  He’s being kind.  I’m being freaked out.  I’m trying hard just to enjoy our time together but he is making it so hard.  How can I remain detached or indifferent when he is offering everything I’ve never had?  How do I keep this as “friends only” when my natural state of being is being a wife?  I’m a caretaker.  I’m a nurturer.  I want to love and be loved.  I’ve loved before but I see now that I’ve never been loved in return.  I see the potential for that here and it is drawing me in like a flame does to a moth.  Will I get burned?

After Monday, after this trip across the state, I’m going to back way off.  I’m going to let him go home and I’m not going to call or text.  He said he is going to make me go to him.  Well, if that is the case, I need to step back and not go.  I think we could both use some time apart to get some perspective on whatever this is. 

I need to get my safe, little world back.  I need to get my even keel back.  I need to concentrate on myself and getting my house put together.  I need to concentrate on finding a job.  I need to concentrate on getting ready for my party. 

I need to concentrate on healing.

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