Where I Lose My Mind

I got in my car yesterday to run some errands, put the key in the ignition, turned it, and nothing.  My car was totally dead.  I texted Sean and asked him if he would mind jump starting my car.  He came right over and it started right up.  The lights on the dashboard are lighting up all over the place.  The neighbor, Jenna, who has worked on Hondas in the past said I have a short in the wiring somewhere but was hoping since my battery was from 2008, it was just the battery making my car go wonky.

I ran my errands and ended up at the grocery store.  As I was thinking about what to make for dinner, I thought beef stroganoff would be good to make before the kids leave.  I was thinking of what I needed to buy to make it and remembered that I have sour cream at home from when we had tacos the other evening.  Since Sean bought the sour cream and left it here, I texted to invite him to dinner.  (Ok, that wasn’t really the reason, but it is the reason I’m giving cause it sounds better than saying I enjoyed having dinner with him the other day.)  He accepted.

After I got home from errands, I had time to run up to the auto parts store to have them check the battery, so I asked Sean if he wanted to go along.  He did.  We found out my battery was bad so I bought a new one.  We got back to my place and he replaced my battery.

As he was walking around the corner of his house, I realized he’d forgotten his watch so I grabbed it and ran it over.  I found him out back, in the shop, putting the tools away he’d used to replace the battery.  I told him I’m starting to think he’s purposely leaving things at my house.  He just grinned.

Here is the part where I lose my mind.  I had a drink last night.  I texted him to see if he was enjoying his show.  We got to chatting and I told him I’m considering asking him to ride along with me on Monday when I take the kids to their father for summer visitation.  He really wants to go.  I’m so sick of living in fear of what Bubba will do.  He’s going to invent scenarios in his head, no matter what I do or don’t do.  I think it would be fun to have Sean along.

Sean mentioned that I won’t be seeing much of him after Thursday.  He expected his doctor to release him to go home so he’s going home.  I asked if he was sick of me already.  His answer was, “No, I’m just going to make you come to me…lol”  I told him I didn’t know how to respond to that.

Here is where it gets wonky in my head.

Me: This could be an interesting trip.  pondering.  Just don’t know if it’s a good idea. I’ve never been friends w/ a guy before.  Not sure I know how to navigate this.

Sean:  Quit please just quit.  I will make it easy on you so you don’t have to navigate anything.  Sorry I made things difficult for you.

Me: No no no no.  That not what I meant.  I’m so afraid of doing something wrong or hurting you or just generally fucking up.  I warned you the other day that I’m really fucked up. I’m sorry.  You are so nice and you should probably run away screaming and instead you are nice.  I don’t know what to do with that.

He didn’t respond after that.  I feel like I don’t know which end is up.  I don’t know whether he is upset with me.  I read that text as him being really disgusted with me.  I heard sarcasm in there.  And I don’t think that is him.  I just don’t know.  Had that exact text come from Bubba, I would’ve been shaking in my shoes, wondering what he was going to do when he got home.

I’m not attracted to Sean….yet.  And that is what really scares me.  Six months, a year down the road, I could see myself developing an attraction for him because he’s a nice guy.  I don’t want that.  I want my safe, little, manless world.  I feel like I’m playing with fire.  I’m drawn to him because he’s nice and that is such a novelty that I’m eating it up.  Yet, I’m terrified of everything he could potentially represent.  I’m terrified of this turning into something.  I don’t want that.  I don’t want a man in my life.  I want to guard my heart and never let anyone in.

Things with Luke are simple compared to what’s going on with Sean.  I know there is zero possibility of anything developing with Luke – even if we do have sex.  He’s in another state and will never pull up his very deep roots and I never want to go back to that state.  That keeps things simple.  He comes to visit for a week, we either do or don’t develop FWB status, then he goes home.  I still maintain my safe, little, manless world.

Sean has the potential to royally fuck up my plans.  And I will NOT go to him.  I will dance around the flame like a moth but I will not allowed myself to fly into the fire.  

The spine of steel I’ve developed won’t allow me to.


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