Dinner and Cologne

I texted Sean and asked what he was doing today.  He said that he was waiting for a friend to come visit then he would be free and he asked why.  I told him I was hoping he’d come over and talk to me so I’d get the books put away on my newly built-by-me bookshelf.  He asked what we were going to plan for dinner then.  I told him I was thinking of making baked beans and hot dogs.  He said he was going to the grocery store and would pick something up for us to cook together.  I hate deciding on meals so he picked tacos!  Yum!

We cooked together and had a nice meal.   It was almost….normal.  There was no fighting, no eye rolling, no yelling, no cell phones!!!  No work calling, no calling work, no eating as fast as possible to get back to work.  We talked and laughed and had a really nice time.

Afterward, we sat on the couch and talked.  Shane snuggled up with me while he watched old home movies while Sean and I chatted.  Sean asked if I had any lotion and I asked why.  He told me not to ask, just go get the lotion.  I finally got Shane off of me and went back to my room to get lotion.  I washed my feet while I was back there because I knew that is what he wanted the lotion for.

Good heavens, that man gives an amazing foot rub!  When he was done he said I have pretty feet.  Bubba always told me I had ugly feet, short and square.  Shortly after, Sean said goodnight and left.  I picked up my computer and started chatting with Endellion on Skype while trying not to cry.  I’m so not used to kindness.  I didn’t want the kids to see my crying, so I was fighting it when Sean knocked on the door.  He’d forgotten his cell phone.

Endellion has wanted to meet him, so I got them on Skype together.  Sean sat on my couch with his arm perilously close to my neck.  Now I’m sitting here, hours later, and I can still smell his cologne all around me.  I turn my head and I catch a whiff of his scent and it makes me bury my head in my couch cushions.  I practically purr with enjoyment at the smell and know that Purity is enjoying this entirely too much.  I want to sit here and wallow in it.  It is strange because cologne has always made me sick in the past.  Bubba used to wear so much of it that it was sickening.  Sean wears just enough that it is enticing.

I’m realizing that I’m more starved for attention than I thought I was.  Sean said we wouldn’t be seeing much of him after Thursday.  He sees his doctor and expects to get released to go home – 20 minutes away.  I feel strangely bereft at that idea.  And I sit here, not moving so I can smell his cologne just a little longer before I go to bed.

Yet I’m not attracted to him.  I thought I was just touch starved.  I think I’m actually man starved. I think I’m attention starved.  I think I’m kindness starved.  Sean is the first man in 20+ years to show any interest in me and be kind to me.  He rubbed my feet, for Pete’s sake.  There is no way for him to know what that meant to me.  My feet, that have always been ugly and gross, were pampered by a man I’ve known for two weeks.  Simply because he is nice and actually seemed to enjoy my feet.

I’m not attracted to him and I don’t want to become attracted to him.  I want him to go home and not come back.  I want him to leave my safe little world I’ve created.  I don’t want him to be nice to me.

I want him to simply go away and take his yummy smelling cologne with him.

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