Well, I did it. I had “The Talk” with Luke last night. It actually went rather well, I think. Of course, in the harsh light of day, I sit here thinking, “He was just being polite. He didn’t want to hurt my feelings by shooting me down outright. There is no way he can actually, really want me that way.” Self-doubt is a bitch.
We talked about the sex we’ve supposedly already had and how great it must’ve been for everybody to have been talking about it so much. We talked about food in the bedroom and sex in the shower. (I told him it just sounds uncomfortable and he said, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.”)
After we talked about sex in general for awhile, I finally just asked, “Would you be adverse to getting jumped when you got down here?” He said, “So I’m just piece of meat? Not that that is a bad thing, I just want to know where I stand.” I said he wasn’t. He just skirted around the issue. Serenity came out and wanted to show me something so he told me to deal with her and I could call him back. I got the kids all tucked in and called him back.
I finally told him when he’s ready to answer the question just give me a call. He asked what question so I told him again. He said he wouldn’t have a problem with it but he wants to make sure I’m ok with it. I told him in theory, I really am but in actuality I’m not so sure how I’ll react. He reiterated that he wants to make sure I’m ok with this so we’ll just see what happens when he gets here.
After we got off the phone, I could hear Purity singing. She was purring and singing and quite pleased with herself. She was rubbing up against Fluffy’s cage, just daring him to try something with her.
Today, thinking about it, I’m unsure how Luke really feels about it. I’ve talked myself into thinking that he was just trying to be polite. That he didn’t want to outright reject me. I can’t wrap my brain around the fact that he might actually want me.
The next morning I wrote:
I woke up this morning really thinking about this. There are so many questions I have, that I want to talk to Luke about.
*What does he see happening to our friendship?
*Has he ever had a Friends With Benefits (FWB) situation and how did it end?
*Does he want more than friendship at one point? And if he does, does he realistically see that working?
*Does he think FWB can work for us?
*What if I’m all for this then he gets here and I change my mind? Or worse, what if we’re right on the verge and I change my mind then?
*Is this going to ruin our friendship?
*Is he willing to risk our friendship for this?
I know it can’t NOT change our relationship. No relationships are ever static but this is something that could potentially devastate our friendship. I don’t want to risk our friendship but I want this. I don’t want it enough to hurt him though. I don’t want it enough to throw our friendship away.
A few days later, we kinda fell into The Talk, Part 2 via texting:
Yesterday, I asked if he had that pic he’d sent me before. It was him, naked, down to right *there* but not including the important parts. After he sent it we both agreed it was best to delete it as I was still going through the divorce. (He’d only sent it in the first place because I’d dared him and he’d called my bluff.) He said he didn’t keep it as he deleted it out of sympathy for me having to delete it. Then he said I’m not getting another of him until he gets a first one from me.
I was laying in bed this morning, feeling mischievous. So, I sent him a pic of my tummy. I pulled my shirt up to just cover my breasts and pulled my shorts down so they didn’t reveal anything either.
Me: I revealed as much as you did. I was feeling brave this morning. then after I sent it I was a nervous wreck.
Luke: I revealed nipples.
Me: You’re a guy. That’s socially acceptable.
Luke: Well we all know you do exactly as society tells you to.
Me: I’m a good girl. ok, well, I used to be. I’m kinda sick of being the good girl. I’m ready to be a little bad.
Luke: Go for it!
Me: Considering it! is my wishy-washiness going to scare u off?
Luke: All women are wishy-washy. Sorry but its true.
Me: So it’s ok if I don’t make a definite decision until u get here? or r u going to end up hating me?
Luke: Hating you for what?
Me: yes…no….yes….no…yes…no. I’ll probably be the most frustrating woman you’ve ever dealt w/.
Luke: If it does I’ll let you know. But ultimately YOU will make the decision. And then we’ll go from there.
Me: IME, men don’t like to be jerked around where sex is concerned. I really want to but I don’t want to mess up the friendship.
Luke: If it does it wasn’t much of a friendship.
Me: Can I ask u a question and you’ll tell me truth?
Me: What is your motivation for being on board with this?
Luke: I have to have a motive? That I care for you. That you have had a rough time for the past 20 years. And that sex is something to be enjoyed and shared by 2 people. What’s yours?
Me: Got all day? There r a ton of motives on my end. biggest 2 – too many years of “what if” where u r concerned and bigger than that – I trust u.
Me: Plus, I’m insanely curious what your brass player’s tongue can do.
Me: Yeah. Insanely curious. so how many FWB situations have u had over the years? How did they end?
Luke: I’ve always been friends with my gf.
Me: Stay that way after? (this is all new to me.)
Luke: Some yes, some no.
Then I sent him pics of the two rooms we’d painted.
Luke: Nice job painting.
Me: Thank you! we r awesome! I’m so excited! Serenity keeps picking on me, saying I’m squeaking.
Luke:Need some oil?
Me: Depends on what kind u r bringing with u. Massage oil is ALWAYS welcome.
And that where it ends. He hasn’t responded to that yet. He’s at work and I’m actually shocked he could text as much as he did today.
I’m feeling good about his answers.