He Makes Me Laugh

When I first left Bubba and I put down the boundary that I would only communicate with him via email and only about the children, I lived in dread of him emailing me. I asked Maria to read my emails before I read them so that she could pass on pertinent information without me needing to read all the abuse that he was still hurling at me.

Maria would also tell me the nasty things he would say but since she was reading it to me, it wouldn’t hurt or scare me as much. I would then read the email for myself. The sting had been taken out of his abusive words and since Maria picked out the important things, I was learning to find the information I needed without letting the junk upset me as much.

Very slowly I worked up to reading my emails myself. It only took a few months for me to be able to do this. I was in counseling with Liz and getting stronger by the day.

Even now, after all this time, Bubba still sends very abusive emails to me. I’ll email him about the children and he will email back with all kinds of garbage unrelated to what I emailed him about. He chooses to attack me instead of concentrating on our children. I firmly believe that we should be concentrating on our children yet Bubba is still trying to lay sole blame for the divorce at my feet. I refuse to engage this type of behavior on Bubba’s part and simply ignore him for the most part. I do not want to be sucked into his drama and I have no desire to fight with him. He just doesn’t mean anything to me that I feel the need to fight with him. I know the truth, he will never admit to it, therefore, we have nothing to talk about beyond parenting Serenity, Liam, and Shane.

Very recently Bubba sent another nasty email to me. I had asked him a question about Serenity’s school requirements and instead of focusing on what Serenity needs, he chose to spend five paragraphs attacking me. The only thing he would say about Serenity was that when she was with him, he was in charge. Ok, fine. I understand that it is still about control with Bubba and that our children’s best interest will never come first. It is up to me to ensure that she gets what she needs for her schooling since Bubba won’t participate. I’m sad that we can’t even co-parent our children because Bubba is still too hung up on trying to hurt me and be right. My kids deserve better than that.

The most encouraging thing about continuing to get Bubba’s nasty, crazy emails is seeing exactly how far I’ve come. I no longer quake in fear of what he is going to hurl at me in his emails. Now, when I see one of his emails in my inbox, I actually get excited to see what kind of crazy he is going to throw at me. I’ve found that his emails have a high entertainment value because they are so disconnected from reality. I actually sit and laugh at his emails because he is just *that* delusional. He still thinks he needs to prove to me (and the children) that the divorce was my fault. He still thinks he can talk to me like a child. He still thinks it is ok to try to tear me to shreds while telling me he still loves me.

Ok, I have to admit that the parts where he professes his love still kind of creep me out. Bubba has been living with another woman since a few months before our divorce was finalized yet he still tells me that he loves me sometimes. I often wonder what his girlfriend would think if she read any of his emails to me. I’ve often wondered what would happen if I somehow got her email address, forwarded his emails to her, and said, “Could you please reign in your boyfriend? He’s your problem now.” I won’t. But the temptation is there to tell her exactly what kind of man she’s dealing with. Alas, she’ll have to find that out on her own – I strongly suspect if she’s in a relationship with him, she’s not healthy enough to recognize that I’m telling her the truth.

I’m so glad that I’m healed enough that I can read his emails now and really just laugh at them. I see the crazy. I see the abuse. I see that he is still hung up on me while I rarely think of him. It amuses me that he is still trying to beat this dead horse. It amuses me that I’ve simply outgrown him.

And nothing makes me happier than reading his emails and knowing that I’ll never let myself be his victim again.

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5 Comments

  1. Glad to know you’ve outgrown him and it’s a good thing. There is a totally different mindset in abusers and they will most likely never be willing to accept even partial blame for anything. Expecting it or waiting on it will just lead to disappointment. I’ve also found it helps so much that I know what is true, so when untrue things are said I just try to not let it bother me.

    • Exactly! He admitted to the abuse when I first left but when it became apparent that I wasn’t going back to him, he just pretended like everything he admitted to never existed. I have emails from that time where he admits to his behavior, yet everyone believes he wasn’t abusive. It boggles my mind still. I know the truth. My children know the truth as they were his victims as much as I was. That is all that matters.

      It is a good feeling to move on and know that what he thinks just isn’t important to me.

  2. You are so strong, I really admire your strength. Keep it up x

    • Thank you! It still feels weird to be able to say that I am strong and capable. It almost feels like I’m talking about someone else, not myself. But I look back at where I started and where I am now and am simply amazed by the progress and healing. I’m a totally different woman now and I really like me.

  3. and I’m sure it ‘ll only get better x

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