Friends with Benefits?
I’m so looking forward to Luke’s visit this summer. I’m not looking forward to the conversation that has to happen before his visit though. I’m scared of that too. I need to know what his expectations are. If he expects us to remain friends and have nothing physical happen, I’m going to be sorely disappointed. I want physical things to happen with him. If he expects something physical, I’m going to be nervous and worried about it.
Poor guy can’t win no matter what he says. He’d be smart to run far away and not come visit. I’d be smart to tell him not to. But I can’t. The fact is that I really want him to. The fact is that I really want to explore a physical relationship with him, even if that means being “friends with benefits.”
The problem is that I want to play by my rules and I don’t even know what my rules are! The only thing I know 100% is that if I say “No.” or “Stop.” at any point, he better or I’ll be kicking him out of my life so fast his head will spin. Considering I still plan to sleep with my huge Mag Lite right beside my bed, he could be in for a world of hurt. I feel confident that he would never do that to me and I can’t figure out why I’m not worried about this. That alone worries me. Why do I trust him the way I do?
I’m exploring in my mind whether Friends with Benefits (FWB) is really something that I could live with or if it would only be good in my mind. Sure, in theory, it sounds great. I could explore what I’ve been deprived of all these years – a physical relationship with someone who cares about me and respects me. I want to find out what it is like to actually make love with a man instead of having him take what he wants whether I consent or not.
I’m not looking for a relationship right now. FWB would allow me to explore this without worrying about getting emotionally tied to someone and jumping into a relationship when I don’t want one – especially an impossible-seeming, long-distance one. In theory I could get this out of my system and move on with my healing. For some reason, having a physical relationship with a man seems like an important step in my healing. And the only man I trust right now is Luke.
On the other hand, could I actually pull it off? What does FWB look like in reality? Could we remain friends after spending a week together? Can I remain as unattached to him then as I am now? Could I accept the fact that he’ll go back to his home and continue his life and I’d stay here and continue mine?
This isn’t something I’ve ever done before. Each of my past sexual encounters have been in the context of a relationship. I’ve never had a one-night stand. I’ve never had a FWB situation. I’ve also never gone into a sexual encounter without some kind of coercion or pressure from the guy. I think that is what this boils down to.
I will wait to make a decision until we discuss our expectations for this trip. If we have a good talk and we’re each comfortable with the other’s expectations and he comes down, I’ll be able to see more of where he’s at. If he arrives and is simply happy to hang out with no pressure whatsoever, I’ll be able to make a better decision. If he tries to coerce or pressure, I simply tell him to back off and if he doesn’t, I kick him out.
And I just realized that this post is rather rambly. Every time I try to think about this, my mind zings off in 50 directions at once. I’ve actually tried to keep it in some semblance of organization. Trust me, this is a lot more organized than what is actually going on in my mind.
I want him. I don’t want to want him. I’m dying to know what I’ve been missing. I’m afraid of finding out. Oh, I wonder what he could really do with his tongue. Would I dissociate if I let him show me? Would it be wonderfully amazing? Would I make a complete fool of myself and die of embarrassment?
I guess the major question that every other question hinges on is… What does Luke think? Where is he at with this? If he doesn’t think of me that way, this whole post is a waste of time.
I’m going to have to bite the bullet, scrounge up some courage, and ask him. Someday…