From my journal:
Yesterday I had to pick up the kids from their visit with Bubba. We hadn’t been in the car very long and the kids told me that Bubba told them how much money I have from the settlement. Fluffy made his presence known! I was seething that he would tell the kids that. He implied that I’ve been lying and that I can afford to buy stuff. He continues to involve the kids in stuff that is none of their business.
Luke texted while I was driving in order to check on me. Since I was driving, I couldn’t text back so I was telling Serenity what to type for me. She added something in there about what he was going to eat for dinner. His next text was about having eaten dinner already so he was going to have some strawberries and whipped cream instead.
It was a totally innocent comment. Yet I got sucker punched in the gut with raw lust. Fluffy immediately retreated because another presence was taking up all the room. Another presence was on the scene and Fluffy had no room to try to break out of his cage.
Where Fluffy is a very large, black panther with glowing red eyes and knife-sharp claws, this new presence is all sensuous, lithe, powerful cat. She is the purest white, her coat gleams as she rubs up against Fluffy’s cage. She is Fluffy’s counterpart, his equal, his complement.
When Fluffy came to be, I questioned why he asserted himself as male. I never understood it. He was so obviously male that I couldn’t have made him into a female if I’d tried. The anger was just male. I’ve found out that Fluffy was smart and he knew this other presence was lurking in me.
Welcome Purity. She is the opposite of Fluffy in every way. Fluffy is destruction, Purity is creativity. Fluffy is mindless feeling, Purity is mindless need. Fluffy is the deepest midnight, Purity is high noon. Fluffy is hate, Purity is love. The only thing they have in common is their power. Purity is just as powerful as Fluffy is, she is strong enough to temper him.
When Fluffy had asserted himself months before this, I was not shocked at his presence. The buried rage had always been a part of me. I was aware of myself stuffing those feelings. When he made his presence known, it just made sense that he would be there. It was very easy to accept that he was in there. Purity shocked me to my core. I had never viewed myself as any type of sexual being because I was just an object to be used for sex. I never saw myself as someone who had desires of her own except the desire to avoid sex. Purity threw my world into a tailspin.
It was all I could do to continue driving that day and I quickly found a place to pull over, telling the children that I needed to go to the bathroom. The fact of the matter was that I needed a few minutes to compose myself – to try to cage Purity alongside Fluffy. I quickly learned that caging Purity was NOT going to happen. Since I’d never even been aware of her presence, I’d never had the chance to build her a cage. She was too wild and free and entirely too large to cage now.
The worst part of it was that I could feel her tormenting Fluffy unmercifully. She would rub up against his cage, always just out of reach of his claws, and practically laugh at him that she was free and he wasn’t.
I didn’t think it was possible to be more afraid of anything than I was of Fluffy, but Purity terrified me on a whole new level. Looking back now, I can see why though. In a very abstract way I knew what Fluffy was capable of. I knew his strength and the lengths he would go to to get free and have his day. Purity was a completely unknown factor. Sure, she was buried alongside Fluffy, but she had a level of freedom that Fluffy didn’t. I had a feeling that Purity would not be contained for long and having never even known about her, I had no way of controlling her. She was a complete wild card.
Everything that had been happening in my Sexual Healing Journey and with my body waking up was entirely Purity’s doing. She’d been working behind the scenes to prepare me for her making her presence known. She wanted me well on my way to healing so that she could have her day, just as I was planning to give Fluffy his day.
I now had two very large, very powerful, very dangerous cats lurking in me, vying for attention and freedom. I wasn’t exactly sure what to do with either of them. I just knew that it was going to become increasingly difficult to keep them both contained.
Oh, how right I was.