I’m Angry

*I’m angry that I can’t see Great Aunt and Grandmother because of all the FOO junk. I’m angry at my FOO for being who they are.  I’m angry that if I go visit Great Aunt or Grandmother it would just be turned around that I saw them specifically to hurt my parents.  I’m angry that they believe all Bubba’s lies about me.  I’m angry that they are so toxic that they can’t see how horrifically they have behaved.

*I’m angry that I have to worry about it being reported to Bubba if I do go over there.  He would use anything to take me back to court.  I know he’s been quiet but I also know he is plotting.  It is only paranoia if they really aren’t out to get you and I know he is.

*I’m angry at Bubba because well, we don’t have that kind of time or space to delve into all the things I’m angry about.

*I’m angry that I’m not further along in my healing. I want to be healed NOW. My mind understands that this is a long process and it will take years to sort through. My heart, on the other hand, just wants to be better NOW!

*I’m angry that I want a knight in shining armor to come rescue me and fix things.  Boy howdy does that piss. me. off. I don’t want a man to fix anything or rescue me. I can do this myself. But the wanting to be the damsel in distress is in there and I don’t like it one bit.

*I’m really, really, over-the-top angry that my hormones are awake and making me look at men like having one of them in my bed would be a good idea.  Actually doing that would be a supremely bad idea right now. I know that.  It doesn’t mean that I have to like it.  I’m so angry that this is even an issue.  I’m angry that Bubba hurt me so badly in this regard that I’m twisted up in knots about it still.

Fluffy is alive and well.  I was pretty sure he was shrinking.  I thought it was under control.  I have to admit that I just found a new way to bury him so that it felt different but he is roaring again.  And yet, I still don’t want to deal with him.  I always said I’d let him loose after the divorce was final.  Well, the divorce has been final for well over a month and yet, here I sit, keeping Fluffy contained, not allowing him free reign.

The truth is, I’m terrified of Fluffy.  I’m still so scared of letting him out.  I’m afraid of letting him have that free reign.  He is so strong.  My idea was to try to control him.  To give him a bigger cage and let him roam there for awhile.  Or to let him out a bit at a time to try to shrink him.  It is clear now that that isn’t going to work.  

I’m just so scared that he is going to destroy me on his way out.  I’m going to open that cage door and he is going to take down everything in sight.  Total destruction will be his goal.  His eyes will blaze with his freedom, his claws will tear everything in his path to shreds.  His long, sharp teeth will rend flesh to so much bloody tissue.  Blood will drip from his jowls and he will roar with delight at the utter chaos that he will wreak.  

Fluffy will completely take over.  He will tear me to shreds and then take over my life.  And he’ll be able to because I’ll enjoy it.  I will revel in the unbridled annihilation of everything in his path.  My greatest fear is losing myself, all that I am, to Fluffy.

Fluffy had been denied for so long that I was absolutely terrified of what would happen if I opened that cage door.  I’d fought so hard to not be bitter and angry that I was afraid if I let Fluffy out he would completely take over everything I was.  How could he not?  He was decades of rage denied.

How does one loose the beast and not be consumed in his wake?

Advertisements

2 Comments

  1. beautiful post x

Trackbacks

  1. Once Again, Endellion FTW | Hope Wears Heels

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: