I’m Not Going
With summer looming and the unasked questions still unasked, I fought with myself about what to do:
On the way to school this morning I made the decision to not go. My main motivating factor is the fact that I would be entirely too close to the Family of Origin (FOO). I wouldn’t be able to resist seeing Great Aunt and that would hurt Grandmother. I just can’t figure out how to see Grandmother when she lives with my parents.
Also, as much as I’d love for the parents to drive by and see my car in Luke’s driveway, I just don’t want to go there. They would tell Bubba, who would find some trumped up reason to take me back to court to make me “pay” for visiting Luke. That is a very real fear of mine. I don’t want to live in fear of Bubba but why deliberately poke the beast right now?
And if I am going to be perfectly honest, when I see Luke again, I want home field advantage. I want it to be on my terms, in my house where I’m comfortable. I also want to put it off a while longer. As much as I want to see him, I still have so much thinking to do and I really need to find the nerve to talk to him about expectations. I’m not ready to have that talk yet so I can’t go up there.
I’m ready for my “I” to come back. I’m ready to put my “E” to sleep and not deal with it anymore. I don’t want to be social. I want to hide out and be alone because if I’m alone, I can’t get hurt. I don’t think I’m as far along in my healing as I’d thought or like to be.
This is just too hard and I’d really like to just shut down now. I think I’ll devote this summer to being a hermit and hiding out in my house all by myself. I think that sounds like a good plan – a safe plan.
And that begs the question – why don’t I feel safe right now?
And the answer to that question came to me the next day:
Yes, I’m a coward. I will admit it. Unasked questions are good. Undiscussed topics are good. I’m afraid of the asking and the answers. I will hide in my cowardice and go another few weeks without having this hard conversation. It is easier to be a coward than to deal with things I need to deal with.
Saying that being too close to the FOO is the main reason that I’m not going to Luke’s this summer is almost accurate. But not totally and not completely truthful. The truth is that I’m too scared to have a conversation with Luke about our expectations for this summer’s visit. If I don’t go to Luke’s in June, I can put this discussion off for a few more weeks.
I’m to the point where I think what I want is a moot point. I don’t know where Luke’s brain is and how he thinks about me so I can’t speculate about what I want. If he wants a physical relationship with me, then I can stress and try to figure out what I really want. If he doesn’t want a physical relationship with me then why try to figure out what I want?
So, I don’t ask. I don’t want to know. It is easier to go with his answer from last month that he doesn’t have plans to have sex with me and to stop reading into all the other texts he sends. It is easier to take that sentence at face value and move on from the delusion.
Realistically, I don’t believe that any man would ever want me in that way. I just can’t wrap my brain around it. Even if he told me he did, I don’t think I’d believe him.
My brain is so twisted up right now that I’m sure my lobes are in different fossas entirely than where they should be. (I’m so glad I had a&p so that that sentence makes complete sense to me.) My brain is a big old pretzel right now.
It is time to put the day-dreaming and wondering and “what ifs” away and live in the real world. One where I move on with my life. At least for 8 more weeks. If only my hormones would shut up and leave me alone. I hate hormones. They are evil.
I was only just starting to understand how entirely accurate those last two sentences were. As my body was waking up, it was getting more and more difficult to ignore the fact that I was, in fact, a very sexual being.
My body was awake but my brain had its fingers in its ears, screaming, “LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA” to drown out what the body was telling it.