The end of my semester and summer were quickly approaching. I had one more week of school before finals and immediately after finals, the kids and I were moving! I was still in counseling every week with Liz. I ended up discussing Luke every week. He was central in my life and as summer loomed closer, I had a decision to make:
I’m trying to make the decision about whether or not to go to visit Luke this summer. I’m torn. I desperately want to go. But Irresponsible Me is at war with Responsible Me. That is another post though. This one is about expectations. I have to talk to Luke about this but I am putting it off. I don’t know how to approach this. I haven’t had to do this ever.
But I need to. I need to discuss what each of us are expecting from our visits. From his texts, I’m very confused. He told me that he didn’t have plans to have sex with me. That would be fine and I could take that at face value if it weren’t for all the other texts we exchange. I was worried about sending him mixed messages and he told me it was fine. He would tell me if he ever became uncomfortable.
The problem is that I’m confused by his mixed messages. It also doesn’t help at all that I’m not sure what kind of relationship I want with Luke. Friends, yes. More than that, yes. But I don’t know what I want that to look like. I don’t see anything long-term or permanent. For one thing, I’m not ready for that. I want to be single for a year or two or five. I do want a physical relationship with him. For one, I’m insanely curious what it would be like to be with a man who actually cared about me. For another thing, I trust him to continue to follow my lead and to stop if I say stop. Since I don’t realistically see anything permanent coming about, I think he’d make a great transition guy.
Now, how to talk to Luke about this? I don’t want to seem forward or embarrass myself because maybe he doesn’t think like that about me. Liz suggested just asking him what I said to her, “Where is your brain at about this summer? What are you thinking?” Then let him answer that. The kids will be with their father this weekend, so I think I’ll scrounge up my bravery and call him. I’d rather have the conversation sooner than later. I need to make a decision about whether to drive up there or not. I just want to know where we’re at: as friends? as possible lovers? what???????
I was still going out of my mind, feeling like a teen-ager obsessing about a boy who doesn’t know she’s alive. Sure we were still sexting but I still didn’t believe he was serious about anything he said. It was me after all….how could a man be interested in me like that?
It made me realize that Bubba had really done a number on my head. I still believed that no man would ever want me – really want me. I needed to talk to Luke but I was afraid of getting confirmation of what I knew, that he really didn’t want me. I could continue to live in the fantasy land of my mind where he meant the things he texted to me. Deep down, I still believed that I was so hideous that Luke couldn’t possibly look at me and see an attractive, intelligent women who was desirable.
Luke and I were talking about who was going to visit whom this summer. I knew that I wanted to see him. I knew that I had to see him. I was just very unsure about what was going to happen. I wasn’t sure that I would really be ready to have sex let alone actually go through with it. Was I healed enough? Would I be able to? What if I went away? What if a million and one things that could go wrong, did? It was so much to think about and I still had finals to get through.
I’m pretty sure I devoted as much brain space to this topic as I did to my finals.