Can I Quit Now, Please?
Sometimes I reread things in my journal and I think, “Wow! I’m come so far!” Then there are other things that I read and think, “How am I still in this exact same place?”
The journal entry I’m sharing today is still a place I go quite often. No, I no longer have school and no longer have to study but there are other things that pull at my time and energy. There are still times when I simply want to quit. There are still times when the healing just hurts too much and I want a break from it.
The only thing different from feeling this way now vs. when I was feeling it when I journaled about it is that it is exponentially harder to compartmentalize now than it was just a few short months ago. The further along I go in my healing, the harder it is for me to rely on my old coping methods. I’m working on finding new coping methods but I am just pretty much relying on feeling the feelings. And frankly, sometimes that just sucks.
I need to study. I am restless. I can’t concentrate.
I took a 2 mile walk. It didn’t help. The only thing I resolved on that walk was the fact that I want to quit now. I desperately want to shut down all of my emotions. I love feeling happy and free but the problem is that it makes the pain hurt that much worse. I want to be numb again. I want to not feel the pain. I’ll give up the happy at this point to just be numb for a few weeks.
I used to be so good at shutting down my emotions. It was a survival tool. I had to shut it down because the pain would’ve been too much to handle on a daily basis. It just feels like I have 40 years worth of pain trying to come out right now. I feel like I’m drowning in it. I know that isn’t accurate. I know that the happy outweighs the pain by so much. It’s just that when I feel pain now, I feel it intensely.
Then I think that I didn’t really have it so bad. I start going back to that place of minimizing. I start thinking of all the women who had it worse than I did and start wondering if I even have a right to complain or feel this way. I mean really! The divorce was over in just 6 short months. It wasn’t that bad. I got through it.
I look at my friend, Grace, and feel like I had a cake-walk next to what she is living through trying to get out of her marriage. How can I complain when I’m free after 6 months and she’s been living with her abuser for 2 years after he filed for divorce? He’s keeping her a virtual prisoner because the judge refuses to see how evil he is.
I just want to quit now. I want to quit thinking, quit processing, quit hurting. I want to bury everything again. I want to be numb.
Can I quit now, please?