Can I Quit Now, Please?

Sometimes I reread things in my journal and I think, “Wow!  I’m come so far!”  Then there are other things that I read and think, “How am I still in this exact same place?”

The journal entry I’m sharing today is still a place I go quite often.  No, I no longer have school and no longer have to study but there are other things that pull at my time and energy.  There are still times when I simply want to quit.  There are still times when the healing just hurts too much and I want a break from it.

The only thing different from feeling this way now vs. when I was feeling it when I journaled about it is that it is exponentially harder to compartmentalize now than it was just a few short months ago.  The further along I go in my healing, the harder it is for me to rely on my old coping methods.  I’m working on finding new coping methods but I am just pretty much relying on feeling the feelings.  And frankly, sometimes that just sucks.

I need to study.  I am restless.  I can’t concentrate.

I took a 2 mile walk.  It didn’t help.  The only thing I resolved on that walk was the fact that I want to quit now.  I desperately want to shut down all of my emotions.  I love feeling happy and free but the problem is that it makes the pain hurt that much worse.  I want to be numb again.  I want to not feel the pain.  I’ll give up the happy at this point to just be numb for a few weeks.

I used to be so good at shutting down my emotions.  It was a survival tool.  I had to shut it down because the pain would’ve been too much to handle on a daily basis.  It just feels like I have 40 years worth of pain trying to come out right now.  I feel like I’m drowning in it.  I know that isn’t accurate.  I know that the happy outweighs the pain by so much.  It’s just that when I feel pain now, I feel it intensely.

Then I think that I didn’t really have it so bad.  I start going back to that place of minimizing.  I start thinking of all the women who had it worse than I did and start wondering if I even have a right to complain or feel this way.  I mean really!  The divorce was over in just 6 short months.  It wasn’t that bad.  I got through it.  

I look at my friend, Grace, and feel like I had a cake-walk next to what she is living through trying to get out of her marriage.  How can I complain when I’m free after 6 months and she’s been living with her abuser for 2 years after he filed for divorce?  He’s keeping her a virtual prisoner because the judge refuses to see how evil he is.  

I just want to quit now.  I want to quit thinking, quit processing, quit hurting.  I want to bury everything again.  I want to be numb.  

Can I quit now, please?

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8 Comments

  1. I know that feeling far too well. And I know how hard it is to pick yourself back up from the ground, just to try once more. It’s really hard. One of the hardest things I ever had to do. I hope that you’ll be able to pick yourself back up again though, and that you’ll feel better soon. Love x

    • I always do. I always pick myself back up because I don’t have any other option. My children deserve one healthy parent so I continue on this healing journey. For the most part, I’m healing for me now but when I feel like this, I think of my children and they are what gives me the strength to keep fighting for health.

      • that’s so sweet :3

      • I’m sure you’re a wonderful mother. ❤

      • I never believed I was a good mother until after I left. Neither Bubba nor my FOO ever told me I was a good mother. Now I know that I’m a good mother. I have people who tell me that I’m a good mother and my children tell me I’m a good mother. More importantly, I can see the results of the fact that I’m a good mother – my children are amazing!

      • You must be so proud of them! x

      • Serenity is such an awesome young lady. She has a goal for her life, a plan, and she is going to turn into a strong woman who stands up for those who can’t stand up for themselves. Liam has the funniest sense of humor and is learning to love cooking and baking – he’s my mini-me. Shane is strong-willed and smart and though challenging now, these are traits I am nurturing because they will serve him well in adulthood. My kids have come through hell (and continue to be put through hell during visitations) but they are stronger than they understand. They also have a good understanding of abuse and the many forms it takes. Serenity will NOT grow up to be abused and the boys will NOT grow up to be abusers.

      • They sound wonderful indeed! and good thing you’re teaching them the difference between right and wrong 😀 x

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