The “Good Girl”
As summer approached, I started dreaming of seeing Luke. We started to talk about him coming to visit me or me going to visit him. He offered to pay my gas money but the thought of being so close to my Family of Origin (FOO) scared me too much to take him up on it. I dreaded the possibility of them driving by his house and seeing my car parked there.
I knew that if Luke wanted to see me, he’d have to come to me. It was in thinking about him visiting that this journal entry came about:
And I just figured something out. Maybe a large part of this comes from the fact that I don’t want to be the “good girl” anymore. I’ve spent my life trying to always do what was right so I didn’t get in trouble. Even as the “rebellious” daughter, I never broke curfew, I never back-talked to Mom to her face, I never did anything outright that would get me in trouble. I rebelled silently and with attitude if not actions. But I was told all the time how I was the rebel, how I didn’t obey, how I pushed. Mom was constantly mad at me and withdrawing affection.
When I got married, I settled down. I’ve spent the last nearly two decades being the good wife, the good mother, the good daughter. I never stepped out of line and I caught hell for it anyway.
I want to be bad. I want to do all the things I’ve made myself not do all these years. I want to have fun. I want to not have any responsibilities. This summer Bubba will have all the responsibility of parenting and I’ll have hardly any! I am truly going to be free this summer. I’ll be in my house alone. I can really be single and free and do what I want. The thought of it alone is like a potent drug. I haven’t been without responsibility in 20 years. There hasn’t been a time in that span that I haven’t had someone to answer to. There hasn’t been any time in that span that I’ve been able to just do something to make me happy without worrying about what it meant to those people around me whom I loved.
This summer, when the kids are with their dad, I’ll only answer to me. Just thinking about it makes me want to laugh and jump for joy. Sure, I’m going to miss them, but I plan to have some fun.
I know the dangers. I’ve heard the warnings about women who get out of abusive marriages becoming promiscuous. It isn’t like I want to sleep with half the Eastern Seaboard. I just don’t want to be the good girl anymore.
I know I’ll be at war with myself over this because deep down, the “good girl” is exactly who I am, I think. I’m at war with myself for even thinking these thoughts.
*I want to make love with Luke. I believe sex outside of marriage is a sin.
*I believe sex outside of marriage is a sin. The sex inside my marriage was an abomination.
*The sex inside my marriage was an abomination. Can sex outside of marriage be so bad?
*I want to heal from this and I want to be with a man who cares about me, respects me, and possibly loves me. Does he really need to love me? I want to experience something I’ve never experienced before.
*God is bigger than all that. He can heal me without me sleeping with someone.
That is only the first part of one of my thought processes. That can rabbit trail and/or keep going for hours. I circle around back to stuff too.
I’m at war with myself. I don’t like it. And maybe, just maybe, if I do share something like that with Luke, I could finally get it out of my mind and stop thinking about it!!!
Thinking about being with Luke was getting to be more and more explicit in my mind. Whereas before I could only picture him with his shirt off and us snuggling up together, I was now thinking of him on an entirely new level. I was dreaming of touching him and being touched by him. To be perfectly honest, I think he’s one of the sexiest men I’ve ever known. Just looking at his pictures on Facebook (and I spent entirely too much time looking at them and being thankful you can’t tell when someone is on your FB page) was enough to make me sigh happy little sighs.
I was still struggling with what I believed vs. what Fundy Land instilled in my head. Was it a sin to sleep with Luke?
As time went on, I found I cared less and less about it being a sin and more and more about knowing that this was what I had to do as part of my healing.
- Posted in: Healing ♦ Sexual Abuse
- Tagged: abusive dynamic, bad girl, children, control, divorce, emotions, family, good girl, healing, healing from sexual abuse, Luke, marital rape, marriage, questioning, responsibility, sex, sex outside marriage, sexual abuse, sin, unsure, what to believe, wondering