A New Sleeping Tool and an Epiphany

I’m so thankful that I started journaling more routinely.  I look back on who I was just a few short months ago and know I’ve come a long way.  I still have a long way to go but it is amazing to me to see the changes in myself.

Not only is my body not broken, but neither is my mind!!!!

I still can’t say the “M” word or even think it, but I’m more at ease with the actual action.  In fact, I’ve done it three times lately and each time I didn’t cry.  I was able to just feel the sensations, enjoy the release, then sleep like a rock.

After the first time, I woke up the next morning amazed at how very well I’d slept.  I don’t remember sleeping that well in a long time.  So I decided to test it out and tried again the next night.  Again, I woke up the next morning having slept extremely well.

Last night, I slept soundly again.  Shane came in and woke me up at some point, I rolled over, kind of growled, “Go back to bed,” and went right back to sleep!  That alone amazes me.  Usually if someone wakes me up in the middle of the night, I’m awake for at least 30 minutes.  He did wake me up at  5 this morning because he’d had a nightmare and I only dozed for the next hour, but I did doze.  I was able to just lay in bed and rest without my mind spinning in a million directions.

The only problem I have now is that after I do that, I have such a sense of profound loneliness that it feels like a dull ache deep in my soul.  So far, I’ve been able to compartmentalize that feeling and not really deal with it.  If I think about it, I’ve compartmentalized the feeling but I’m acting out on it.  (I’m having an epiphany as I write.)

I’m getting bolder with Luke.  Endellion gave me the suggestion to stop texting with him about sex.  I told her I’d consider her words and I am doing just that now.  I just figured out what I’m doing.  I’ve managed to bury the actual feeling of loneliness but my mind isn’t letting it go as easily as I thought.  I won’t let myself feel the loneliness so my mind is finding a way to rebel against it and it is doing a bang-up job.  Ugh!  I’m not so good, it seems, at compartmentalizing as I used to be.  Either that or I did act out before but in ways that differed from what I was trying to bury.  This acting out is directly related and now that I see how they relate, I need to deal with the loneliness.

Only I don’t want to deal with the loneliness.  I don’t know whether I’m just tired of school, tired of learning, tired of doing this hard healing work, but I just want to have fun.  Flirting with Luke is fun!  Teasing Luke is fun!  Knowing that he thinks I’m attractive is beyond fun – it feels powerful.  I know it isn’t fair to him.  I know that I’m taking advantage of his friendship.  I know I need to stop.  I’ve had a dearth of fun in my life.  I see the dangers of what I’m doing now.  But there is a huge part of me that simply doesn’t care.  There is a part of me that simply wants to invite him down and experience these sensations with him instead of alone.

Rationally, I know this is a BAD idea – for both of us.  I don’t want to hurt him.  I don’t want to ruin our friendship.  I need to back off the texting – at least about that topic.

What I really want is an on/off switch for my brain.  I’d like to stop thinking about this for awhile.  I’d like to get off this healing journey and just rest for a bit.  I’m tired.  I’m tired of feeling.  I’m tired of processing.  I’m tired of thinking.  I just don’t think it is possible at this point.  My mind has decided that it is going to heal whether I like it or not.  

Sometimes I feel like I’m just being dragged along for the ride with no choice in the matter.


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