“You’re so sexy when you’re angry”

To this day, random memories from my life are still popping up.  Things that have long been forgotten or buried are brought to mind by the most innocent comment or gesture.  One such memory popped up as I was struggling with Luke’s “Y?” question:

My friend, Endellion, and I were talking.  I was ranting about Luke asking me hard questions without even realizing what he was doing.  I told her he asked hard questions and they challenged me and it really pissed me off.  I told her, “Stupid one letter question!” and she responded, “You’re so cute when you’re perturbed.”

That brought back a memory.  Bubba used to deliberately piss me off then tell me that he thought I was sexy when I was angry.  By that time, I’d be so angry I could barely see straight and he’d be all turned on and wanting sex.  Well, I wasn’t feeling very loving at that point so I’d say no. Then he’d get furious that I had the nerve to say no to sex.

What did he expect?  He did it on purpose!  He would pick a fight because he wanted me angry then get angry that it worked!  And the part that really gets to me is that he would do it all the time!!!!

He either stopped doing it in the last couple of years of our marriage or I simply didn’t say no very often anymore, I don’t know which.  Or maybe he just stopped admitting to it.  I’d also stopped letting myself get angry on the outside so that eliminated a lot of fights.

It seems as though I keep discovering new ways that he twisted our relationship into something vile and sick.  I don’t like having these random memories pop up.  I wonder how many more are buried in there just waiting for someone to innocently say something and trigger a memory of how horrid he was to me.

Endellion’s observation was innocent and came from the place of a wonderful friend.  What was brought into my mind was icky and gross and a memory that I would’ve been happy to have never remembered.  I’m glad I have a great ability to compartmentalize.  I kept that memory in a place in my mind where it couldn’t touch and taint my friend’s comment.  I can read her comment and feel her love and know that there was absolutely nothing malicious in her comment.  And I can keep Bubba’s comments in a place in my mind where I can contain it and deal with it and eventually toss it out because I’ve worked through it and it no longer affects me.

That is what I am striving for – cleaning my mind completely of Bubba and his toxicity.  I may not like it, I may fight it with every fiber of my being but I know it is best for me to remember these memories, deal with them, and not let them rule me anymore.  

Healing is such hard work that it exhausts me though.  I need some time between dealing with issues to recuperate.  Right now, I’m not getting any time between issues that are demanding my attention.  So I persist.  I persevere.  I continue marching toward health.  I have no other choice.  I won’t let myself have another choice.  I *will* heal from this.  I *will* eradicate Bubba’s influence from my life.  

To do anything else is to allow Bubba to win and that won’t happen.

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