This is going to be one of those TMI entries, but I’m just too excited not to share. 😉
Yesterday, as I continued to research dissociation, I rabbit-trailed all over the place. I ended up reading the entire archives for a blog all about healthy sex. Up until now my fantasies have been extremely tame. The most graphic they got was that I got Luke to take his shirt off and we snuggled while I just felt his chest. I’m so seriously touch deprived that that is really all I want to do. Just feel a man’s skin, enjoy the sensations of skin under my fingers.
As I was reading yesterday I started having little movies in my head about doing the stuff I was reading about with Luke. For me, that is a huge step. All of the things I thought I hated because Bubba made them so unsafe for me, I could actually think about doing without having major anxiety.
There were some times that I had to just stop thinking about something and move on, but not because I felt anxious or upset, I just knew I wasn’t ready to think about that aspect or to continue to think about that aspect. Finally, my own mind feels safe again. I can think my own thoughts and if I see them heading in a way I don’t like, I feel safe enough to back off. It is crazy how I can see now that even my own mind didn’t feel safe to me back then.
When I went to bed last night, I decided to try again. (No, I still can’t say the actual word, but I’m not ready to work on that yet and make it a safe word for me and I’m ok with that.) Let’s just say that I enjoyed myself a couple of times and I did NOT cry!!!! I was in awe of the fact that not only is my body not broken, but my mind isn’t either. What I did in the privacy of my bedroom felt safe and ok. I did not end up with a raging headache after. I was able to laugh and be happy and content. And yes, I did actually laugh with happiness when I realized there was no debilitating headache after.
I slept like a rock! Shane came in around 5 and told me he had a strange dream. I asked if he wanted to talk about it, so he told me what it was about and we both fell asleep immediately after. Even though I didn’t sleep as heavily as I did before he woke me up, I still slept until almost 7! I woke up feeling happy and refreshed. I’ve been in a good mood all day.
I’m healing. Sometimes it feels like I’m going at a turtle’s pace and other times I feel like I’m going at the speed of light. I struggle because I want to be healed NOW! I want a miracle that just BAM! hits me. But I realized today that what is happening, the healing that I’m experiencing – every hard-earned, painful step I’m taking – is a miracle. I’m moving forward. I refuse to stagnate. I refuse to stop the hard work even when it is so painful that I want to quit. I won’t give myself the option to quit.
Yes, I still worry that someday, when I find that man who I want to share that intimacy with, that I’ll freeze up or dissociate or have flashbacks. But that time is not now. I keep telling myself that I don’t have to worry about that right now. Sex isn’t a possibility and I don’t know what the future holds. For now, it is enough that I’m learning how to be comfortable in my own skin and I’m learning to be comfortable touching my own skin.
For now, that is enough.