A Eureka Moment Regarding The Family

I had been rereading this article about The Dangers of Boundaries and Getting Healthy and had a large epiphany regarding The Family:

I understand what happened.  I understand why it went so wrong, so fast.

When I made the decision to leave my marriage and get healthy, I did it with single-minded determination.  There was no waffling, there was no struggling with it.  I made the decision and I jumped in with two feet.  I also had friends who were healthy and who understood healthy boundaries.   Where I could’ve been struggling to set boundaries, I had people who understood them and were good at them guiding me to set very firm boundaries right from the beginning.

From The Family’s POV, I went from zero to 60 in about 3 nanoseconds.  It must’ve been like getting whip-lash.  I went from no boundaries to very strong boundaries almost over night.  There was no adjustment period for them.  There was no processing time.  There was absolutely no way for them to see that what I was doing was a good thing, a necessary thing.  And since they live in Dysfunctional World, they did the only thing they could; they responded with full-on dysfunction.

This in no way excuses their actions.  It just explains it in my mind.  Why did they turn on me like rabid dogs?  Well, simply because they had no other choices because they didn’t know of any other choices.

There is no excuse or explanation as to why they tried to take my children away from me or why they persist in their ways other than that it is easier to blame me fully rather than look at their own lives.  They choose to remain in dysfunction and ignorance simply because they are so steeped in it that they can’t possibly imagine that they may be wrong.  

I’ve spent countless hours agonizing over whether I was wrong, whether I was too harsh, whether I messed up.  Yes, I probably could’ve handled it in a less extreme way but I did what I needed to do at the time.  I had every intention of getting back in touch with them after the divorce was finalized.  They made that impossible when they tried to take my children away from me.

We all live with the consequences of our choices.  It is something that I am trying to teach my children on a daily basis.  Good choices have good consequences.  Bad choices have bad consequences.  

I’m living the good consequences of my choices – I’m safe, I’m healthy, I’m happy, and I live relatively drama-free.  I no longer sit and wonder if I did the right thing.  I know I did.  

I live with my consequences.  The Family will have to live with theirs.


  1. Sir and I went to a large family gathering (a graduation for my sister) in late May. Then we attended to a huge high school reunion in late June. I was very good at pretending to be happy. So when I left Sir at the first of September, everyone was shocked. My family sided with me, thank God, but reluctantly, since I wasn’t prepared to explain all my reasons publicly. It forced everyone in our life to make a choice whether to be understanding to me or believe his lies. I hated that.

    • I’m so glad they stuck by you! And yes, abuse victims are generally very good at keeping up that happy front. I still can’t believe how good I was at it.


  1. Exchange Approaches | Hope Wears Heels

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