Sex vs. Making Love
I’d started to write in my journal much more consistently after the divorce. It seemed that, since I was free, I wanted to do even more healing work than I had been doing. I was bound and determined to move on.
Thursday, January 17, 2008 “Beyond Mind-Blowing: Good Enough Sex is GREAT!” is the article that got this post running through my head.
I’ve never had mind-blowing sex. It’s a sad fact of my life that the majority of my sexual experiences have involved a good dose of ickiness.
Since this started I’ve thought I was deprived for not having had mind-blowing sex. I read that article and have now realized that isn’t the reason I’ve been deprived. I’ve been deprived because I don’t know what it is to make love to a man.
You see, for me, there is a massive difference between having sex and making love. They are two separate things. Anyone can have sex. It doesn’t take any brains to stick Tab A into Slot B. There are tons of articles written about it, tons of news reports about Spring Break and all the sex that total strangers are having. I’m starting to believe that mind-blowing sex is just that – sex. Very simple. Very easy. Anyone can do it.
Making love on the other hand takes a lot of effort. (Keep in mind that I’m writing this from the perspective of not really knowing what goes into this because I tried this for years and Bubba and I still never really made love – it was always sex.) It involves intimacy. An intimacy that comes from areas not associated with the bedroom. Intimacy is developed through relationship.
In order to achieve the intimacy needed for making love, partners must respect, love, care, and be willing to sacrifice for each other. Intimacy is walking in the front door, looking at your partner, realizing she’s had a rough day, and taking over for her so she can sit down for a bit. Intimacy is having your partner walk in the front door, realizing he’s had a rough day, and suggesting he sneak off to relax and unwind before jumping into the fray.
Intimacy is knowing your partner on a level that makes you comfortable talking about anything and everything or at least being comfortable knowing that you can talk about uncomfortable things in a safe environment.
It is intimacy that we bring into making love. Making love is about a connection. Not just a physical connection but that mental connection of becoming one with another person – a person you love.
Sadly, I don’t know what that is. I can dream about it, I can think of it in the abstract, but it isn’t something I’ve ever experienced. Feeling safe enough with a man to trust him with my likes/dislikes and being able to communicate them to him is foreign to me. I do know, however, that I want that. I want intimacy with a man someday. I want to find the man who will put me first as I put him first. I want to find a man who will sacrifice himself for me as I sacrifice myself for him. I want to trust my heart, my mind, my body to him and feel secure that he won’t run roughshod over every part of me.
I want to make love. I’ve shelved the idea of wanting mind-blowing sex. I crave intimacy and closeness. I crave feeling as one with another. I crave affection and playfulness. I crave a partner. Someone to share my life with.
That all being said, wanting it and believing it will ever exist for me are two separate things. I’ve seen good marriages and how the people in those marriages relate to one another and resolve problems. I know there are good men out there. My problem is still with wondering if I’m ever going to find that. Could I be so lucky?
And if I’m honest, I’m still struggling with wondering if I’m worthy of it. My rational mind knows I’m worthy of it and I deserve it, but my heart is having trouble believing that it could exist for someone like me.
Why do I still feel Bubba’s attitude surrounding me? Why do I still feel ugly, unworthy, and that no one else could ever find me attractive? I want his attitude and his voice to go away. I need to find the way to make it go away. I know he is sick. I know these are HIS issues and not mine. I know I need to take my power back and stop letting him have any say-so over how I view myself. I know I’ll never be able to have a good relationship with another man if I continue to let Bubba’s tapes play in my mind.
For now, each time the tape plays, I’m going to have the Three Musketeers take the tape out of the machine, slice it to ribbons, and throw it out of my ear. I will replace Bubba’s tape with one of my own. One that tells me I’m beautiful and worth it.
I’ll play it over and over until I believe it.