I wrote this a few days before court:
GAH! I’m so ready for this to be over. And I don’t just mean court. I mean the whole thing. I’m ready to be healed now, thank you very much. I’m trying to figure out what I can eat so I stop losing weight (that is still a weird concept for me). I put on my tight blue shirt today and was drying my hair when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I had a small moment of panic thinking, “I can’t wear this because men will see me and I don’t want anyone to think *that* way about me.”
It just seems like I get to a point where I’m coasting along, not thinking about those big, bad issues when they jump up and bite me in the ass. I want these random thoughts, reminding me of how much healing I still have to do, to just go away. I guess with court so close, everything else wants to come to the surface too.
I have always really struggled with the way I looked. Before Bubba left, I was about 25 pounds overweight. I wore baggy clothes. I tried to hide my body as much as I could as a protective measure. No matter how overweight I was or what kind of clothes I wore, it didn’t stop Bubba from demanding his way in the bedroom.
Once I left Bubba, the weight started melting off of me. I attributed it to stress. I was having a hard time eating without it upsetting my stomach. I found that Arcadia’s egg salad was one thing I could keep down so she made it for me often. We figured it was good for me with the amount of protein and fat it contained.
It took me awhile to figure out that I wasn’t losing weight simply because of stress. I was losing weight because I had stopped comfort eating. I realized that I had been using food to help me stuff my feelings for my entire life. Now that the absolute stress of being abused was over and I was actually feeling my feelings, I didn’t need to stuff myself with food. I ate only when I was hungry and only until I was full. I didn’t gorge myself and feel overly full and miserable after eating anymore.
I had an entirely new relationship with food!
By the time the divorce rolled around, I’d lost 23 pounds – effortlessly. I was at the point where I wanted to stop losing weight but struggled to eat enough because I wasn’t hungry. I didn’t eat if I wasn’t hungry.
I loved how my body looked at that point. I am petite so now my body shape actually was in proportion to my height. Arcadia had gone shopping at Goodwill with me to help me pick out clothes that looked good on me and showed off my new figure. In turns, I enjoyed feeling sexy and I was terrified by it. I still didn’t want men looking at me, yet I wanted to look good. I knew I still had a long way to go in this department. I hated that even with all the healing I’d done, I still felt that there was a huge part of me that was very broken and would never recover.
Just like all the other times I’ve decided to work through a block, I knew there was one way I could work through this. It was time to issue an invitation to the one man I felt absolutely safe with. It was time to see if I could be with a man again. It was time to see if Luke would really come to visit me. Since I had a few months before the children would visit their dad for summer, I had plenty of time to work through more of these issues while Luke and I figured out if he could or would visit.
But it was time to start talking with him about a summer visit.