In Which I Revisit Adolescence
With the contact with Luke ban still firmly in place, I had entirely too much time to think about him. Sure, I was busy being a mom and a student, but I had plenty of time to lay in bed at night and wonder about Luke. It came out in my journal entries:
Here I sit still missing him. Still wanting him. Absence is definitely making the heart grow fonder. And now, knowing I’m not broken, makes it so much worse. I want to be healed. NOW!
But I don’t want to be just another notch in Luke’s belt. I’m still not convinced he’s not a player – even though I know he would not treat me that way. I think that is what I’m really afraid of. Maybe there is nothing there on his end. He isn’t up there pining for me – at least I can’t imagine that he is. Not like I’m sitting here pining for him. I feel so pathetic. I keep telling myself this is just a decades old crush that I thought had gone away and came back. I want to explore all the “what ifs” but what if he doesn’t feel this way too? Maybe we’re just destined to remain friends. I just need to get him out of my head but I know I won’t until I find out “what if.”
Then, 5 days later:
I think about texting Luke again and talking to him on the phone. I think about snuggling up with him. About running my hands up his stomach and chest. I’m so sensory deprived that my fingers are actually itching to touch him. I just don’t go any further than that in my musings. He always has pants on – just not a shirt – and I’m always fully clothed. I’m fascinated by him having a hairy chest! I want to run my fingers through his chest hair and see how it feels on my fingertips.
I just have him so built up in my head and I’m afraid he isn’t going to be the man I’ve made him out to be in my head. I don’t want to get hurt and I don’t want to hurt him. Right now all I want to do is ask him how he feels about me. Are we just friends? Is that all he ever wants it to be? Does he want to explore the “what ifs?” And why does every flipping journal entry circle back to Luke? Obsessed much?
In one way I just want to make love with him because he has been a good friend and I feel he would take all of my issues into consideration and we’d have that amazing sex he told me about. But I don’t want to ruin our friendship. I just know that I desperately want to explore the “what ifs.”
I look back now and can laugh at where I was back then. I sound like a teenager obsessing over a high school crush. In a way, that is what I was though. I’d never had a normal adolescence. I’d gone from one abusive boyfriend to the next. The longest time I was single as a teen was a month. From the time I was 14 until I got married at 21, I dated four guys. The longest period between them was one month.
I can clearly see now that I was desperately wanting to be loved. I didn’t feel it from my family, even though I thought I did at the time. Since I jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend, I never dated, never explored what was out there. It was now time for me to experience what it felt like to crush hard on a guy. I was a little late to the game and I should’ve done this years ago, but I think this was a necessary step to my healing.
It was safe to dream about Luke. He was far, far away and the reality was, he was safe. I could dream all I wanted and he’d never hurt me because he wasn’t near me. Daydreaming about Luke allowed me to process so much, to grow, and to do it with a huge safety net of a thousand miles.
Two days after the last entry I wrote this:
I’m done. Saturday was so miserable that I decided that I need to be done with Luke. I can’t do this anymore. I’m torturing myself for nothing. So, I’ve packed him away into another compartment in my brain and I’m just done. I’m really good at mental images so I had three little workmen in my brain. If a thought popped up, they’d cut it out, wrinkle it up, and throw it out my ear. I wanted to name them and Arcadia suggested the 3 Musketeers. So they morphed from workmen into Athos, Porthos, and Aremis. Yes, I have mini Musketeers running around in my brain, cutting out unwanted thoughts with their swords. Thank goodness the image has Charlie Sheen before he went nuts! Keifer Sutherland and Oliver Platt look pretty good too!
The ban had been in place for a month. I was wasting too much mental energy on Luke and I needed to concentrate on my kids and my studies. Even as it broke my heart to put Luke behind me, I knew it was what had to be done. I was ruthless with making the 3 Musketeers do their job. They never allowed a thought to even fully form before they were cutting it out. I tried as hard as I could to put him away in his own little compartment but it was more difficult now.
That is why it was necessary to use the 3 Musketeers. They took care of whatever thoughts escaped their compartment. It was the way it had to be. I had to stop obsessing like a teen-ager with her first crush.
It was time to learn to get by on my own.