My World Crumbles

After I got off the phone with my lawyer, I knew I had to text Luke and tell him that I had to say good-bye.  I didn’t want to.  I wanted to throw myself on the floor and kick and scream like a two year old.  I wanted to find Bubba and hurt him.  He was still being allowed to control my life.  I was losing a huge source of support and even though Bubba wouldn’t directly know it, I knew he’d caused this.

I texted Luke and explained the situation.  Even in text, I could tell Luke was furious.  But I could tell he wasn’t mad at me.  He was mad at the situation.  He was frustrated at how unfair it was to me.  And he told me, no matter how long it took, he would be there waiting when it was over.  Even in this, he supported me.  Luke really was showing me that good men existed.  He didn’t like the restriction but he understood it and respected it.

Luke did ask if he could check in with Arcadia every once in awhile to see how I was doing.  I told him that would be ok because they are adults and I wouldn’t be a part of it.  I asked Arcadia and she said it wouldn’t be a problem on her end either.  At least Luke wouldn’t have to just sit back and wonder.  And I had a small connection to Luke – if he ever actually texted.  I knew Arcadia wouldn’t reach out to him so I had to hope he would ask about me.

I then went about the difficult task of erasing Luke from my life.  I knew it would be too difficult for me to have reminders of him – I had to make a clean break.

I deleted all his texts from my phone.  I first went and read and reread them.  I wanted to imprint them on my brain so I could see them every once in awhile if I chose.  Then I deleted Luke’s contact information from my phone – after I memorized his phone number.  I blocked Luke on Facebook.  I knew I could have just un-friended him but I also knew the temptation to just see his public pictures would be too much to resist and I knew it would be too painful to revisit his page.

The last thing I did was to erase his pictures from my phone.  I like to have pictures of people in my phone so that their pictures pop up when they call.  I didn’t have any of Luke, so he’d sent a couple to me.  In this area, I couldn’t do it completely.  I took my memory card out of my phone and buried his two pictures way down deep on my computer.  I didn’t want the kids accidentally coming across them (even though they were just head shots) and I didn’t want to make it too easy for me to get to either.  It was a small rebellion but I couldn’t just delete those pictures and never see them again.

Then I mourned.  I was starting school the next day, I was nervous, and I was mourning the loss of a precious friend.  I felt like I was being victimized all over again.  I just wanted to find a hole to crawl into and cry for a few weeks.  I didn’t have time to wallow.  I had classes to take, children to take care of, and I had to continue healing.

I knew I would miss Luke desperately.  I’d always heard that absence made the heart grow fonder.  Well, it’s so very true.  Even though Luke was out of my life, he was never far from my mind.

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