Devastation

Quietly, ever so quietly, I was making plans to return to college.  I had to keep looking for a full-time job, but secretly I prayed that I wouldn’t find one.  I practically begged God to block all jobs and fix things so that I could return to school.  I just needed 3 classes of pre-reqs.  Once those were done, I needed other schooling, but this absolutely had to get done that semester.

Finally, I got all my financial aid in order (at the very last minute) and was able to talk to my advisor and tell her exactly what I needed.  Since I was newly enrolling in this university and was classified as a senior, I had to wait until registration opened up for everyone.  I actually asked my advisor if I could attend freshmen orientation since I’d never even been on campus before and I needed to have specific classes.  I needed classes to line up with when the boys were in school or I couldn’t do it.

Shane is a special needs child.  He wasn’t diagnosed at the time, but my Mama Gut told me he had ADHD, depression, possibly OCD, and I strongly suspected he was on the spectrum.  He would not handle me being gone while he was at home and he was dangerous enough that I couldn’t put any of my friends in the position to have to watch him.  He lashed out and would rage enough that often I was tender and sore from trying to protect Shane from hurting himself or anyone around him.

I again pulled out the Reader’s Digest version of my life and my adviser took pity on me and emailed her colleagues for special permission for me to attend their classes, even if they filled up.  She said she couldn’t make them grant permission but she thought she’d have an excellent chance.  She called me later that day to tell me that I could attend freshman orientation and that she already put a note in my file that I had permission from each professor to take the classes I’d chosen.  My schedule was going to be tight, but it would work.

The children started their semester and the next day, I went to orientation and got everything lined up to start mine.  Life was looking much better than it had looked in years.  I was going back to school.  My counselor was able to change my weekly appointment to right after my last class let out so I could still go to my weekly counseling session and be home before the children.  I had hope for the first time in longer than I could remember.

My lawyer called me the day before classes started.  We discussed what happened at court the previous week.  He was still very upset about not knowing about the texting issue between Luke and Serenity.  I told him that I was equally shocked because Bubba asked, I answered right away, then I didn’t hear anything about it for five days – until they came out of the court room.  It was obvious to me that Bubba was not, in fact, interested in co-parenting – he was out to prove that I was an unfit mother.  He was very strategic and he was accomplishing his goal as the Guardian ad Litem (GAL) was really doubting my judgment.

Then my lawyer told me something that would completely shake the foundation of my life.  He told me to cut all contact with Luke until the divorce was over.  With Bubba trying to prove that I’d had an affair with Luke and now that he was alleging that Luke was trying to molest Serenity, it was best for my case to cease all contact with Luke.  Saying I was devastated didn’t begin to cover how I felt about it.

How was I supposed to tell the person who’d been with me through the thick and thin of the past few months that I had to stop all contact with him indefinitely?  How was I supposed to go on without the laughter that he brought into my life?  How was I supposed to let go of someone who had become entirely too important to me?

My children’s lives were on the line so how could I not cut contact?  I knew what I had to do.  I knew that Bubba was still controlling me and although every part of me hated letting him control who I talked to, I knew my lawyer was right.  It was time to say good-bye to Luke.

No matter the personal sacrifice, I had to do what I had to do to save my kids.  I had to keep them with me.  I had to keep them safe.  I had to say good-bye to Luke.

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    Trackbacks

    1. My World Crumbles « Hope Wears Heels
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