The Sexual Healing Journey – Part 4
These are some of my journal excerpts as I walked the road of sexual healing:
Decided to try again this morning. I “you know” (still can’t use the M word) and had another little, gentle O. Afterwards I bawled again. Then all I could think of was, “Well, that would be embarrassing if I was actually with a man.” It’s probably just a release of emotions that comes with the physical release. It actually doesn’t feel like a physical release. It almost feels like an O with training wheels. I guess I need these small ones right now. I’m still learning that it is okay to do this, that my body works, and that there is hope. This is a journey and it makes sense to start small, ease into this. I think I just really needed a good cry too.
Then, a week later:
Fuck! I figured it out. I figured out why I cry after O and now I can’t stop. I had a few O’s tonight and I started sobbing after the first one but did it a couple more times anyway cause it felt good. Then it hit me. I’m not broken and I have no one to share this with.
My body works and I don’t have headaches. It was just me holding everything in. And I’m sobbing for me – for all I’ve been through. For all my body was subjected to, for everything I’ve suffered. I’m sobbing for every time we’d finish and I’d sit on the toilet while my head throbbed, while I tried to stop the pain, while he just cleaned up and left. I was in so much pain and I thought it was just a headache.
Everything in me hurts right now. I ache for the years of torture he put me through. (I can barely see the page to write.) I’m mourning for that little girl who was given the message that masturbation was bad and evil, for the little girl who suffered, who wasn’t given any help, for her it was the worst thing to just have it swept under the carpet and never spoken of again. I weep for the me I was 28 years ago. I weep for the me I am now. So broken yet healing. Trying to put those shattered pieces together. Trying desperately to form that beautiful mosaic I know I’ll become out of the shattered pieces of my life.
At least I understand why I’m crying. I told Liz last week that I couldn’t name the emotions behind the crying but I’m figuring them out: joy, grief, loneliness, anger, hurt, devastation, abandonment, hope. It’s such a contradiction of emotions that I’m surprised the universe hasn’t imploded yet. Even after all this time, having opposite emotions at the exact same time still freaks me out. Confuses the hell out of me.
Just for tonight, I can dream. I can dream of being healed. I can dream of having sex someday with a man and having it be an expression of mutual love and respect. I so very want to make love to a man who loves me and wants me and respects me. Someone who can accept my past and as Luke said before, cherish the woman I’ve become through this.
I want to be cherished. It is that simple. I want a man who puts me first while I put him first. I want a partner. I want someone to share this joy with. I’m not broken, my pieces are fitting together and I so very want to share that with someone. I don’t know who God has lined up to be that someone but for tonight I can say that I want a chance to explore if Luke might be that man.
I’d started seeing my life as a glass door that had been shattered into a million pieces by what that man, my family, and Bubba had done to me. I would never be that whole, un-scarred piece of glass again. I was, however, determined to heal myself. I looked at it as if I was taking all of those pieces and fitting them together in a mosaic of my choosing.
Yes, broken glass is ugly and serves no purpose. But if you take all that broken glass, you can form the most beautiful designs that transform something shattered into something glorious.
This is my life. I’m creating a mosaic of Hope. No, I’ll never be the same but I will be more beautiful than I ever imagined was possible when I started this journey. With God guiding me and gently leading me, I’m exercising that free will He gave me to decide to work hard and put myself back together.
I’d gotten a good start on my healing in this area. I’d made huge leaps and I was even starting to dream of a future. I know I had more healing to do and I wanted to someday try out my new vibrator. I still had many things to work through and my divorce was not yet finalized.
I was still embroiled in a nasty custody fight where things were taking a turn for the worse.