The Sexual Healing Journey – Part 3

If you haven’t read them already and would like to, Part 1 and Part 2 can be found by following the links.

I had survived exploring my own body!  Somehow doing what I’d done in that bubble bath made me feel powerful.  It was a reclamation of sorts.  I knew that I was the only person who would ever touch me there again unless I gave my express permission to someone else.  My body was now claimed for me.

That night, I slept with just my panties on.  I’d never slept naked before.  It never felt safe to do so.  That night though, I slept in just my panties and the sheets against my skin felt so good.  It was a sensory feast.

The next evening, I decided that the way I felt, being scared, well…..frankly, I’d had enough of it.  I decided I was simply over being afraid and letting Bubba and what that man had done to me rule my life. I took off all of my clothes and climbed into bed.  I decided to simply explore with my hands again but my purpose tonight was to try to discover if I could feel sexual pleasure.  

I was not pressuring myself to orgasm – at this point I didn’t believe it could actually happen.  I still felt completely broken.  I knew my body was just too traumatized to even think about that.  I simply wanted to see what felt good and what didn’t.

Again, I was shocked to discover things about my body.  I could most definitely feel pleasure.  There were things I definitely did not like and things that I definitely did.  Since I’d never masturbated before, I really had no clue what I was doing.  I was completely learning everything from the start. Eventually, I started feeling a bit frustrated by the whole thing.  I started thinking that I really wanted to see if I could orgasm.  

Here is what I wrote about the experience:

I’M NOT BROKEN!!!!!  I had an orgasm!!!!!!  It was a very small, gentle one but I did it!  My body works!  I’m not broken!  All these years we’ve had to use a ton of lube because I didn’t make any.  Well, I sure did tonight.   Then the emotions of what happened hit and I laughed and cried at the same time!  I’m not broken!!!!!!  I can heal.  This has opened up so much hope for me.  Tons!!  I want to be totally healed.  NOW!  I’m not broken!!!!!!

I remember being absolutely blown away by the fact that I wasn’t broken. I also discovered something else that night.  I didn’t get a headache after the orgasm.  Every single time that I’d orgasm with Bubba, I’d end up with a migraine after.  It was horrific pain.  I would go to the bathroom after we were done and I would sit there and hold my head in my hands, trying to will the pain to cease.  

I remember sitting there wanting to weep because it hurt so bad but not giving in because I knew Bubba simply didn’t care.  I didn’t want to show him my weakness.  I would hold it together long enough for him to leave the bedroom, then I’d crawl into bed and let the silent tears fall because I couldn’t hold them back any longer.  

I see now that what my body was screaming for was for me to cry.  I sincerely believed that the tears were just a physical reaction to the pain.  I never cried during these times, the tears just flowed and soaked my pillowcase.

That night, that glorious night, there was no post-orgasm headache.  Not even a hint of one.  Over the course of the next few months as I got more comfortable masturbating and having orgasms, it really hit home that I WASN’T BROKEN!!!  In all this time, by myself, I’ve never had a headache after an orgasm.

I wish I could say it was all rainbows and butterflies, but it turns out there was so much more healing yet to do…

Part 4

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    1. The Sexual Healing Journey – Part 4 « Hope Wears Heels
    2. The Sexual Healing Journey – Part 1 « Hope Wears Heels
    3. The Sexual Healing Journey – Part 2 « Hope Wears Heels
    4. Boundary Crossing « Hope Wears Heels

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