The Sexual Healing Journey – Part 3
I had survived exploring my own body! Somehow doing what I’d done in that bubble bath made me feel powerful. It was a reclamation of sorts. I knew that I was the only person who would ever touch me there again unless I gave my express permission to someone else. My body was now claimed for me.
That night, I slept with just my panties on. I’d never slept naked before. It never felt safe to do so. That night though, I slept in just my panties and the sheets against my skin felt so good. It was a sensory feast.
The next evening, I decided that the way I felt, being scared, well…..frankly, I’d had enough of it. I decided I was simply over being afraid and letting Bubba and what that man had done to me rule my life. I took off all of my clothes and climbed into bed. I decided to simply explore with my hands again but my purpose tonight was to try to discover if I could feel sexual pleasure.
I was not pressuring myself to orgasm – at this point I didn’t believe it could actually happen. I still felt completely broken. I knew my body was just too traumatized to even think about that. I simply wanted to see what felt good and what didn’t.
Again, I was shocked to discover things about my body. I could most definitely feel pleasure. There were things I definitely did not like and things that I definitely did. Since I’d never masturbated before, I really had no clue what I was doing. I was completely learning everything from the start. Eventually, I started feeling a bit frustrated by the whole thing. I started thinking that I really wanted to see if I could orgasm.
Here is what I wrote about the experience:
I’M NOT BROKEN!!!!! I had an orgasm!!!!!! It was a very small, gentle one but I did it! My body works! I’m not broken! All these years we’ve had to use a ton of lube because I didn’t make any. Well, I sure did tonight. Then the emotions of what happened hit and I laughed and cried at the same time! I’m not broken!!!!!! I can heal. This has opened up so much hope for me. Tons!! I want to be totally healed. NOW! I’m not broken!!!!!!
I remember being absolutely blown away by the fact that I wasn’t broken. I also discovered something else that night. I didn’t get a headache after the orgasm. Every single time that I’d orgasm with Bubba, I’d end up with a migraine after. It was horrific pain. I would go to the bathroom after we were done and I would sit there and hold my head in my hands, trying to will the pain to cease.
I remember sitting there wanting to weep because it hurt so bad but not giving in because I knew Bubba simply didn’t care. I didn’t want to show him my weakness. I would hold it together long enough for him to leave the bedroom, then I’d crawl into bed and let the silent tears fall because I couldn’t hold them back any longer.
I see now that what my body was screaming for was for me to cry. I sincerely believed that the tears were just a physical reaction to the pain. I never cried during these times, the tears just flowed and soaked my pillowcase.
That night, that glorious night, there was no post-orgasm headache. Not even a hint of one. Over the course of the next few months as I got more comfortable masturbating and having orgasms, it really hit home that I WASN’T BROKEN!!! In all this time, by myself, I’ve never had a headache after an orgasm.
I wish I could say it was all rainbows and butterflies, but it turns out there was so much more healing yet to do…