Intimacy and What I Want…..Someday

A journal entry from shortly after The Day My World Fell Apart.

And now I’m thinking that I’ll never know intimacy with a man for the rest of my life.  True intimacy is what I crave.  It goes beyond the act of sex.  It is something he never understood.  I haven’t made love in too many years to count.  Sure, we had sex – that is all I ever thought of it as.  So many times it was painful sex and he just kept right on going.  Realizing that it was actually sexual abuse was a hard one for me to admit.  He wanted sex and if I didn’t, I’d get guilt-tripped or we’d fight.  I could never just say no.  I remember crying because it hurt so bad and he wouldn’t stop.  Then he’d ask me why I didn’t say anything.  Well, because when I had said something in the past I’d get the silent treatment.  Instead of holding me or comforting me, he’d get dressed, slam out of the bedroom, then watch his t.v. with the volume up so I’d know he was mad.

Oh, how he used to use the t.v. as a weapon.  He knew how the loud volume bothered me, so he’d turn it up when he was mad.  I’d ask him to turn it down and he would. As soon as I walked away he’d turn it up again.  Then he’d deny it like I was too stupid to know what he was doing.  

I don’t believe in sex outside of marriage.  I don’t know if re-marriage is ok.  I’ve studied the Bible and I can’t tell.  I’m looking at a long, lonely life ahead of me.  I’ll never make love to a man and fall asleep in his arms after.  That makes me sad.

I hate to kiss.  I don’t want to be touched.  I just wanted to get it over and done with.  He used to say that I was like a man, all I wanted was wham, bam, done.  Foreplay hurt my heart too much.  I spent so much time in my Happy Place that I’ve totally disconnected emotions from the act.  I just feel so very broken.  How did I let myself slide so far down?  

It hurts too much to continue tonight.

Then:

I yearn for the intimacy that comes with safety.  I want to be safe to tell the man I’m with if sex hurts or if I want to change positions and to know that my wishes will be heard and respected.  

For right now, I have an intimacy of sorts with Luke.  It isn’t full intimacy and I don’t know that it is true intimacy, but I feel safe in telling him things about the abuse that I don’t feel safe sharing with anyone else.  I don’t understand why I feel safe with him.  It makes no sense.  Maybe it was all the years we were friends back then that he showed me care and concern.  Maybe it is that he is honoring my boundaries.  Whatever it is, I trust him and for now the small bit of intimacy I have with him is enough.  For now.  

Intimacy is still something that I crave.  I was right in that intimacy goes beyond what is done in the bedroom.  Intimacy is sharing a life, sharing the ups and downs, giving each other looks over the dinner table that convey that you are hungry for more than the food on your plate, sharing a stolen kiss.  It is giving that essential part of oneself to another.  I want that.  I yearn for that.  I hope to have that someday with a man.  

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3 Comments

  1. Aisy

    I feel like you’re writing this right from my own head. I still struggle with a lot of this. It’s the companionship I miss; of having someone to share in day to day life.

    • I’ve always heard, “You can’t miss what you never had,” but I don’t agree with that. I’ve never had one to share the day to day with but I had the illusion of it. I convinced myself that he shared our lives. But I know what I want and I know that I don’t have it – I never did. I miss it, I miss not having it, I miss never having had it.

      I hope we figure this out someday so that we don’t have to struggle. Healing takes a long time. We just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue on our journeys. And we’ll wear gorgeous shoes as we walk!

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