Mud-Slinging at it’s Finest

Bubba was very proficient at slinging mud.  He didn’t care who got hit or who got hurt.  He was on a mission.  He’d gotten busted by our children for having all kinds of internet porn on his computer, joining a dating website, and having naked pictures of one of his female Skype friends on his computer.  He was obviously either too stupid or too arrogant to ever clear his internet history or to hide saved pictures.  Our children found them and didn’t tell me about it for an entire year.  They only felt safe enough to tell me once Bubba was out of the house.

To cover up his many sins, Bubba decided to accuse me of having an affair with Luke.  He watched the records for my cell phone so when he saw a new number pop up with a great many texts, he found out that it was Luke.  Mind you, I hadn’t been in contact with Luke, except for three conversations on Facebook back in 2009, for over 20 years.  That didn’t matter to Bubba.  He could spin the texting into a huge affair that caused the break-down of our marriage all while taking the spotlight off of his own behavior.

He even subpoenaed the bodies of my texts!  That terrified me, infuriated me, and made me laugh all at the same time.  First, it terrified me because I knew he’d show my family and what would my family think of the conversations I’d had with Luke?  Our conversations were not wholly innocent because, as I’ve already said, we flirted outrageously and the texts got a bit racy.  I still didn’t want my family to think badly of me.

I was also infuriated because it was a great invasion of my privacy.  He’d blocked my access to all of our cell records (he took my access to the account away) and our credit cards (he had my name removed from the accounts in direction violation of court orders).  He had full access to our mutual information while I had none.

It also made me laugh because I remember repeatedly telling Luke, in texts, that I was broken and that I’d never have sex again.  I remember us discussing when we’d seen each other last (neither of us could remember exactly but we both knew it was well before he got married).  How on earth was I able to have an affair with a man I hadn’t seen in over 20 years?  The bodies of my texts would prove that we’d never had an affair.  I also know that records could be manipulated.  He could edit them so that it made it look like we’d actually had an affair.  That would’ve been simple to do if he had taken the time to edit.

Bubba even went so far as to accuse Luke of trying to molest Serenity.  That was a real jaw-dropper.  Instead of emailing me like a rational adult about his concerns, Bubba went straight to our Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) and she, in turn, went straight to the judge.  The judge ordered no contact between Luke and the minor children.  No one even asked for my side of the story.  They just took Bubba’s word and believed there was cause for this order.  I was left out of the loop entirely.

I was waiting for Luke to be subpoenaed.  I felt terrible that I brought this possibility to his front door.  Not only was I being accused of this, Bubba was threatening to bring Luke into it too.  Luke had been nothing but wonderful and supportive of me.  Luke assured me that he could handle whatever Bubba dished out.  I was sure he couldn’t just because he couldn’t understand that depths of depravity Bubba was willing to sink to.  Thankfully, it never came to that.

While Bubba was happily slinging his mud, I was still on the high road.  I was still determined to get out of that marriage with as little collateral damage as possible.  I tried to convince the Guardian ad Litem (GAL) of the abuse to protect my children.  She chose to believe Bubba.  Her job was to do what was in the children’s best interest, but Bubba had gotten to her and convinced her that I’d poisoned the children against him.

The children spoke to her, but they only felt comfortable talking to her when I was there.  When she was alone with them, the children didn’t open up to her because they did not feel safe.  She assumed that meant that the children were afraid of me and told my version of events so that they didn’t get in trouble with me after she left.  She interpreted our lives completely backward because Bubba was in full mud-slinging mode and she believed him.

I quickly learned that the GAL was not working for my children.  I stopped talking to her.  I stopped involving her in conflicts between Bubba and me.  Bubba continued to request that she attend visitation transfers of the children.  I never asked her to after that first time because I needed to prove to myself that I could do this.  He continued to ask her for unknown reasons.  In one of her reports to the court, she said that we needed to learn to work together and do these exchanges on our own.  She worded it as if we were both requesting her presence.  I was very upset by that but correcting the GAL was a big no-no.  You don’t tell the court’s eyes and ears that she is wrong.

I still can’t quite understand how he was allowed to continually bad mouth me while I kept my mouth shut and that was proof that I was the bad one.  I chose to take the high road.  I continue to choose to take the high road.  Bubba still talks to the kids about the divorce (against court orders), Bubba still tries to convince the children that all of this is my fault (against court orders) and Bubba still talks very negatively about me to the children (against court orders).

I have refused and will continue to refuse to discuss Bubba or the divorce with the children at all.  I simply tell them that what they are asking is adult business and none of theirs.  Yes, I would love to tell the children the truth but it isn’t a burden for them to carry.  It isn’t something a child needs to know about his/her parent.  They understand entirely too much from listening to Bubba and from observing his actions.  I won’t contribute to their knowledge in this area.

It is my job to stand in the line of fire and take the mud hits as much as possible to try to keep my children clean.  It doesn’t always work but it is my job, as their mother, to protect them – not to draw them in and try to get them to pick a side.

Mud-slinging is a choice.  I have chosen not to participate.

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4 Comments

  1. You are doing the right thing and I applaud you. I really hope things get better. Taking the high road doesn’t always get immediate results, or the results you wanted, but it always gets good results in the end.

    • Some times it takes every bit of restraint in me to stay on the high road. I gave up even trying to convince people that he was abusive. If you believe me, you believe me. If you don’t, there is nothing I can say to change your mind. I can only protect myself and my children.

  2. I agree protecting our children is our job. I’m glad you decided not to take part in the mud slinging. My mother did the same for my sister and I. I did the same for my daughter when I was separated from her dad and there are things he’s said in the past that I will never tell her because I think it would do more harm than good.

    • My kids don’t need to me to tell them things they can readily see for themselves. They don’t need me to say, “Your dad screams when he’s angry.” They know because they’ve been on the receiving end of it too many times to count.

      I don’t need to bad-mouth Bubba to ruin his relationship with his kids. He’s doing a bang-up job of that all on his own.

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