What Are We?
Things are weird with Luke. They just are. There is no way that I can find to define our relationship. We aren’t friends. We aren’t lovers. Yet, we text still. We don’t sext anymore. I just don’t understand what we are to each other.
I’ve decided that I just need to put it behind me and move on. I have a strange, paradoxical outlook on it. I’ve accepted that we will never be more than what we are now. I’m also not okay with it. I want more. I’m not okay with knowing that the answer to “What if?” was that we’d just go on with our own lives. I still very much want to be with him, to see if we could be compatible as partners, as lovers, as more than what we have now. Yes, I know it isn’t possible because he doesn’t want that but I do.
The other day, we had this conversation:
Me: If I ask you a question, will you tell me the truth?
Me: Do you have any intention of visiting me again or was last summer a one-shot deal?
Luke: I don’t know. Depends on my work schedule & whether my son comes up to live with me, etc. Do you plan on coming up to visit me?
Me: If I had the time off and money, I would in a heartbeat.
Luke: And if it was warmer! I’m off to bed, good night.
Me: Weather wouldn’t matter. but why don’t we make it easier and just say it was a one-time thing. I just don’t see it happening again. I don’t know whether that makes me a pessimist or a realist.
Luke: Why don’t you see it happening again?
Me: Because I can’t afford to go up there and you seem rather indifferent about coming down here.
Luke: I’m not indifferent – just busy.
Me: ok. Good night.
For the first time in nearly 18 months, I hear a lie in Luke’s words. Regardless that he says he’s not indifferent, I hear the indifference in our interactions. I hear the indifference in his answers when I’ve asked for more communication in the past. Since this conversation happened the other day, I’ve really be trying to define what Luke and I are to each other.
Friends? No, we aren’t friends. Even though I’ve opened myself to him time and time again, processed so much of this healing garbage with him, bared my soul to him, he’s held himself aloof. I don’t *know* him. Friends share with each other and I can now see how one-sided our relationship has been. I don’t know Luke’s hopes and dreams.
Lovers? No, we aren’t lovers. The term “lovers” implies an intimacy that Luke and I simply don’t share.
Fuck buddies? Well, I think we have the buddies part down but since we’re a thousand miles apart, there isn’t any fucking going on. So, no, we aren’t fuck buddies.
Friends With Benefits? No, not this either because you’d have to be friends and I’ve already negated that term.
I’ve googled, I’ve looked at relationship sites to try to define what Luke and I are and there are simply no terms for what we are. And more and more it is becoming intolerable to me to be in this strange place I find myself in – wanting him, wanting more than just superficial texting, and knowing that he isn’t in the same place. Luke holds a very large chunk of my heart – whether or not he knows it, I couldn’t say – and I’m getting to the point that I want it back.
I’ve declared 2013 to be a man-free year and now I know why it feels so right to think of myself going through the next year not on the dating market. How can I date and seriously look for “the one” when I don’t possess my entire heart. I can’t give my heart away to another man because Luke holds so much of it.
What I think I need to do is make a clean break, just move on and stop texting, stop communicating with Luke. The thought of actually doing that brings on a horrible panicky feeling. It would feel like cutting off my right arm. He’s been such an important part of my life for so long that the thought of moving on from him is frightening.
When he used to text, I’d see his name pop up on my phone and I’d grin like an idiot and my heart would soar. Now, it’s a different story. Now, I think, “What? Why can’t you leave me in peace?” It’s become painful to read his texts because they are just general, “How are you?” or “Busy at work?” I feel like I’m a way to fill up his time. I don’t know what goes on in his head. I still don’t know how he feels about me beyond the fact that he says he isn’t indifferent.
I won’t beg for his time or attention. I won’t beg for him to tell me how he feels about me. I need to find a way to break the bonds that tie me to him. I honestly thought I could get through last summer without my heart being involved. I’ve learned my lesson. Hindsight is 20/20 and I can clearly look back and see that my heart was involved long before Luke’s visit. Having that physical relationship with him just sealed the deal. I want impossibilities.
The obstacles haven’t changed. They are still there, just as they were before, only now I can see that my heart is yearning anyway. And it makes me mad because I don’t even know Luke. How can I want him so badly when I don’t know him? I know this isn’t love because I still firmly believe that you can’t fall in love with someone over texting alone but my heart is involved.
Now to let him know that I need some time and space. I just don’t know how to do that. “Luke, I won’t be texting for awhile. I broke the rules of FWB and got emotionally attached. I need time and space to work through this. I hope you understand. I will be back in touch when I’m able.”
Maybe that would work?